"Her name is Sidyr. You will need her help if you are to accomplish your goal," the dragon said.
"I cannot take her with me!" Alleon protested. "She's just a young girl!"
The young girl smiled at him from under her hood.
"That would not stop Hetyr from taking my life, why should it stop me from defending it?"
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Uncertain Terms Pt.5
Monday morning as I was getting on the bus I got a text from Adam,
telling me to come to the cafeteria at lunch. I didn’t reply because I
wasn’t sure I’d be able to work up the courage, but I tried to talk
myself into it all morning. Finally, in the last ten minutes of my
second class I took out my phone and sent a reply; “Fine, I’ll come.” A
moment later he sent another message.
“Okay,” it read “you’ll come. But are you going to eat lunch with us?” I grinned and shook my head, tossing my phone back into my backpack. I guess everyone was back to their old selves.
When I got to the cafeteria I tried not to look too closely at anyone, I just searched the rows of benches for a familiar face. I saw Matt first, but there didn’t seem to be any room at their table, so I just kind of stood awkwardly for a minute, looking around for any free space at all.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around slowly. Much to my relief, it was just Chris.
“Over here.” He put his hand on my waist to steer me toward the table and I instantly went rigid. He must have noticed because he took his hand away and whispered an apology in my ear. It sent a shiver down my neck and made me want to punch him.
When we got to the bench, Chris tapped a couple people on the shoulder and jerked his head. They scowled at him, but they moved aside nonetheless, so we sat facing Adam and Matt.
“There you are!” Adam exclaimed. “We thought you got lost.”
“Or eaten.” Matt added.
“Not in a sexy way.” Chris finished.
For the most part lunch was decent. We had some laughs, and it was good to have some company at school for once. I mean real company, not people who ignored me half the time and treated me like someone I wasn’t the other half of the time. We were pretty tightly packed on the bench so Chris kept brushing against me and it was really distracting.
I ended up zoning out for the better half of the hour, just staring at my food. Until I caught the end of something Adam was saying.
"... unlike this faggot here."
Without really meaning to I had grabbed my backpack and stood up. Now I was just still and awkward while the three of them stared at me. Adam looked like he was preparing to get punched in the face, but at the moment I didn't even have the will to tell him off.
"Sorry," I said. "I gotta go." I turned and walked toward the cafeteria doors but Adam ran up behind me and grabbed my arm.
"Dylon, I just-" I pulled my arm away from him. Tears were forming in my eyes and I couldn't hold them back. At the very least I was determined not to let the others see.
"It's fine, just never mind. I just have to go." And so I went.
I was so furious with myself that I skipped my last two classes and just walked home. By the time I was done supper Adam had sent me five texts, but I couldn't bring myself to read them. He probably thought I was a psycho. I wanted to tell him it wasn't a big deal, but he wouldn't believe me. I wanted to tell him why I freaked out, but I didn't know.
The next morning when I got off the bus, Matt was waiting for me on the steps outside the school. He asked me if I was coming to the cafeteria at lunch today.
“I don't really think that's a good idea.”
“Adam isn't here,” he said. I stared at the ground and shifted my feet.
"Oh." Well, crap. I felt even worse now.
"I didn't mean to make him feel bad," I said. "It just caught me off guard. It's not a big deal."
Matt gave me a skeptical look.
"He said he's been trying to get a hold of you..."
"Yeah, I know. I... can't really explain that right now. But I'll talk to him tonight." I didn't really know what I was going to say to him yet, but I had to try. Mat nodded.
"For the record, he would deserve it if you were mad a him."
"But I'm not."
"Okay, good." Matt said. "Look, is it okay if Chris and I come join you in the art room for lunch? There's something we want to talk to you about."
"Yeah, sure."
At that point the bell rang, so we went inside to start our day.
When Chris and Matt came into the art room at lunch I moved my backpack from the seat beside me, which turned out not to be necessary because they both sat on the opposite side of the table. I half expected them to start lecturing me about making Adam feel bad.
“Right.” I said. “So, what's up?”
"Friday," Matt said. “There’s a party here in town, down on River Street. We were gonna go, we were just wondering if you were interested.”
I was going to tell them that I absolutely was not interested, but Chris didn’t give me the chance.
“Look, I understand how you feel about being around that many people considering what happened with your old friends. And I’m not gonna lie, Adam said he heard Tyler and Sarah are going to be there. But so will we.”
"Well..." I started.
“I know you’re not happy with him, but trust me. If either of those dipshits tried anything half as bad as what Adam said to you yesterday, he’d punch them in the balls.” Chris said. I shook my head.
"I am not mad at him."
"Then why did you leave?" Chris asked with interest. I heaved a very reluctant sigh.
"Look, it just caught me off guard. I left because I was crying and I didn't want you guys to see, and I haven't answered his texts because I was embarrassed about running off and I thought he would think I was psychotic."
Chris and Matt exchanged glances.
"I've just had a lot going through my mind lately, okay?"
"Hey, it's okay," Chris said. He smiled at me and I blushed ever so slightly. "We understand. You don't have to cover up around us. That's what we're here for."
I was starting to feel a bit awkward so I thought I'd better try to steer the conversation away from my feelings.
"I'm not exactly happy with his choice of words, but he's been a good friend. I know he'd freak out if anyone else tried to say something like that to me."
"It's true." Matt shrugged. “Even before I suggested we invite you over. He was complaining for days about the way your former “friends” talked about you when you weren’t around. He was in a class with both of them. By far the best part was when he said Sara was a... what was it?”
“I think it was ‘an eight-cunted wenchtopus’.” Chris offered.
“Something like that.” Matt replied without the slightest smirk.
“How can you say that with a straight face?” I said, thoroughly amazed.
“It helps that we’ve known him for years.” Matt said casually. “But anyway, you should come to the party. There won’t be any video games, but it will be a good time.”
“I’ll think about it.” I mumbled, fully intending not to think about it at all. “Hey, will Kelsey be there?” Chris smacked himself in the face with his apple.
“Oh, uh... I don’t know. We haven’t talked lately.”
“Chris is ignoring her,” Matt translated.
“Awww. A woman’s not enough for you, now that you’ve shared a bed with me?” I batted my nonexistent eyelashes at him.
“Actually, it kind of is your fault,” he said after a minute. “I told her what happened and then she kept asking of we could have a threesome.”
“Oh," I said. "That would be weird.”
“I’d cry.” He agreed. “But she wouldn’t let it go. It started getting really awkward.”
“Would you do it?” I wondered. “With someone who wasn’t me?”
“I don’t think so.” Chris answered, shaking his head. “I think it would be weird no matter what.”
“Even with two girls?” Matt offered. Chris just shook his head. “Well, I would.”
“I know I would.” I said, and they both gave me weird looks. “With... two guys.” I corrected.
“Oh, so you weren’t kidding? When Adam asked you which one of us you’d want to have sex with?” Matt inquired.
“No,” I said. “That wasn’t a completely honest answer. Not to the question he asked me, anyway. But it wasn’t a lie, either. I wouldn’t turn it down.”
“You don’t think it would be weird?” Chris asked.
“Nah. You’re all great, good-looking guys. I’d rather do it with you than with strangers.” Chris and Matt exchanged looks and I sunk in my chair a little bit.
“Sorry...” I added quickly. “I didn’t mean to weird you out.”
“It’s cool.” Matt assured me. “I’m way too conceited to turn down any sort of compliment, even if it comes from a big ol’ homo.” I flicked a blueberry at his head.
“I find it a little weird, but not for the reason you think. You always seem so... reserved when it comes to sexual stuff.”
“Oh god.” I said, shaking my head. “If you knew half of the stuff that goes through my mind...”
“Reeeeally?” Chris said, leaning toward me and propping his chin up on his hand. “Do tell!”
“I’m not telling you." I glared at him. "You big freak."
“Why?” he said. "Are they are about me?" I didn't say anything and his eyes widened. "You do think about me!"
"And I don't suppose it's put you off at all."
“Nope! You just made me more curious.”
“You are the gayest straight person. Seriously.” I told him. He winked back.
“Well, too bad. I’m not answering your horrible question.”
“Dyloooon!” Chris said, pouting.
"Yeah, come on. Don't be afraid of the details, either." Matt added. I shook my head.
“I’m never talking to you guys again. Ever.”
“Aw, come on Dylon.” Matt said sympathetically. “I’m sure we’d have thoughts like that once and a while about our female friends. If we had any.”
“Yeah, come on. We were the ones asking. We watch porn as a group activity. We’ve all seen gay porn. It’s not a subject we’re shy about.” Chris added.
“Because you’re all really weird.” I added. Then I sighed. “I wish I could get used to it. I wish I didn’t find it so uncomfortable.”
“Don’t you worry about that. We’ll beat it out of you.” Chris offered.
“Kinky.” I answered.
"If you honestly don't want to talk about it, we're cool with that. If you want us to stop bugging you, tell us. We just want you to know that you don't have to feel embarrassed around us. But if you're just the kind of person who isn't interested in talking about the subject then that's just how you are."
I considered it for the moment. I hadn't really thought about the concept of not talking about it for any reason other than being ashamed of it.
"I think I'm okay if you keep bugging me." I said. "I mean, I do want to talk about it sometimes. Just not a lot. But, if I get the inclination it would be nice to be able to say 'Hey, I find that guy really sexy' or 'Hey Chris, I want you in my mouth.'"
I was hoping to catch him off guard and when he choked on his water I knew I had succeeded. Matt folded his arms and scrunched up his face.
"How come Dylon doesn't want me in his mouth."
It wasn’t very long after that before the bell went off, signaling that it was time for everyone to go back to class. We packed up our stuff and went to our respective classes, but I wasn’t able to focus for the entire rest of the day. All of the sex talk at lunch made me miss Adam and his sexy face. And wonder what else might be sexy about him. I still hadn’t checked out his ass. I really had to do that.
After my next class I texted Adam and asked him to come over to school, and at about four o'clock I heard a knock at my door and practically ran to open it. When I opened it he was standing really still and he let out a deep breath when he saw me.
"Hey." he said.
"Hey, Adam. Listen. I'm not ticked off at you. Come to my room for a sec?" I could tell he wanted to make all sorts of jokes but was worried about the results, but he followed me regardless. When we got in I closed the door and took a deep breath. He didn't give me much chance to say anything though.
"Dylon, I am really sorry. I was just playing around, I didn't think about it. You know I don't think any less of you..." Not really knowing what to do I put my hands on his shoulders.
"I know you're not like that, Adam. Honestly I do. I get that it was a joke." I dropped my hands and started to pace around a bit.
"Look, I was just zoned out and my mind was on other things and it caught me off guard. I always had to keep up the pretense around my old friends, I never let myself relax. When you first invited me over I thought it was all a big joke, but you guys are all great."
"When I heard you say that, I just heard it coming from Tyler's mouth and it was like the thing I had been so terrified of for years was coming true right then and there. For the briefest, tiniest moment I felt like I had been wrong to let my guard down. But I don't believe that, I really don't."
"I know it came from you, not from him. I know it came out as a joke. Not one at my expense, not a mean-spirited one at all. Just one friend to another. But in the moment where I had felt injured I had started crying and I was so ashamed and mad at myself and I didn't want you to see... that I had doubted you." I finished quietly.
"And then instead of staying and explaining I ignored you like an idiot and made you feel terrible. And I'm really sorry."
To my great surprise he walked over and hugged me. I blushed so severely I thought my head was going to burst into flames and just kind of awkwardly patted his back. And he didn't let go.
"Thank-you," he said. He pulled back and smiled at me. "Thank-you, Dylon."
He told me he had to get going because he was expected home for dinner. We said goodbye and then I watched from the door as he practically ran down the street. He looked so much like a little kid that I couldn't help but smile.
It was almost eleven o’clock by the time I got to the party on Friday. I had been ignoring Matt and Chris’s texts for at least twenty minutes, but they hadn’t been deterred. I could barely understand what they were trying to write anymore, so I decided I should just go see them face-to-face before communications broke down completely.
And yes, I wanted my chance to check out Adams’ possibly-sexy behind. What even made someone’s butt attractive? I had no idea. I wasn’t sure if I would know once I saw it how it fared on the scale of deliciousness. But I just figured, that’s what you’re supposed to do right?
I texted Matt to let him know that I was at the house, and he came out to lead me in. I figured it would be better than just walking in to a stranger’s house, and it seemed kind of wrong to knock on the door at a party. I had never actually been to one before this.
Matt guided me over to where Chris and Adam were standing with a group of a few other people, everyone had drinks in their hands, and already I felt a bit awkward.
“Go say hi to the chums, I’ll get you something to put in your hands.” Matt said before disappearing into a different room.
When Chris saw me he threw up his hands and pushed over to me. He threw an arm around my shoulders and gave me a very exaggerated kiss on the cheek.
“Hey!” He exclaimed as we made our way back to the group. “It’s my favourite person!”
“Dylon!” Adam said as Chris pushed me into the small circle, throwing an arm around my shoulders from the other side. “I’m really glad you made it!”
I wasn’t sure what to do with the homoerotic attention of my drunk friends, so I just smiled and said hi to the people I didn’t know. Between Chris and Adam they were able to introduce me to everyone, but most of the names were forgotten as soon as the next one was said. There were three girls and another guy, and I was so nervous that I barely even saw them standing there. My brain was too full of all the ways they were probably judging me in their minds.
Chris released me and wandered off into the crowd, but Adam kept his arm on my shoulders as the other people carried on conversation and he sipped beer from a big plastic cup. Eventually I got so embarrassed that I leaned over and asked him to take his arm away. His smile faultered a bit but then he took it away and carried on with his jovial partying.
Once the conversation had simmered down and the people had wandered off he put his arm around me again.
"Come on," he said. "There's some other people you should talk to."
"Adam..." I said. He looked at me and then after a moment he rolled his eyes and took his arm away again.
"Dylon, these people have all seen drunk guys before. They won't even notice. We could probably strip down and fuck right here and no one would look twice."
I was about to tell him how completely certain I was that this wasn't true, but just then Matt came back and handed me a drink. He gave Adam another one as well, and he stacked the full cup into the now-empty one he had been holding when I arrived. Together the two of them accompanied me to the next group of people.
I managed to talk a little bit this time around, just basic stuff; what classes are you taking, yes it’s true I’m gay, no I’m not seeing anyone, no I haven’t had sex with anyone at our school. When I answered this last one I saw some eyes dart toward Adam, then they looked back at me and smiled. I felt a little bit queasy.
Eventually the group dispersed and it was just me and Adam. I wasn’t sure where Matt had disappeared to, and Chris was pressed into a corner with some girl’s tongue down his throat. Adam started leading me into another room, which I guessed would be the kitchen and also were the drinks were kept. As we walked through the hallway he put his hand on my back to keep me from getting jostled by the traffic, but I stepped to the side and he took his hand back sighed.
“Sorry,” he said, looking confused and a bit injured.
“Adam, come on. You know how I feel about being around this many people. I just...”
“If you're going to say you don't want them to think you're gay, it's a little late for that.” He scoffed.
Ouch. I stopped dead.
"Well that's not really my fault, now is it." He turned around and shook his head.
"Fuck. I'm really sorry, that was such a shitty thing to say."
"Being gay is my problem, I don't wand people giving you shit for touching the queer kid." I said.
"Being gay isn't a problem. People being assholes is a problem. I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks about me, or whether they think I'm taking my friend's dick up my ass. If they're uncomfortable because they're making assumptions, that's not my issue."
"And it's great that you feel that way. Honestly, I'm really grateful to you and Matt and Chris for always treating me like I'm normal...."
"You are normal," he cut in.
"But it's because you guys are so great that I don't want to be responsible for people getting the wrong impression and giving you shit."
Suddenly he smiled at me and I got confused. He laughed a little bit.
"What?"
"Nothing. Just come with me for a minute, I need to talk to you." Mystified, I let him lead me to a set of stairs. He put his drink down on a table at the bottom and then we climbed up. I was starting to get very suspicious.
When we got upstairs we managed to find a bedroom, which I was honestly quite surprised to find empty. He took a look around and then closed the door and locked it.
“Okay.” I said. “What’s going-”
And then he started kissing me. He was rather enthusiastic about it too, I was practically pinned to the back of the door. It was a good fifteen seconds before I even registered the shock of it. I pushed lightly on his chest and he broke away and looked into my eyes and I almost melted.
“I like you.” He said, holding his lips so close to mine as he spoke that I could taste the alcohol on his breath. “Dylon, I really like you.”
I stuttered. I opened my mouth and closed it again and I couldn’t make any words appear.
“I've liked you for a while, I guess. Maybe since the first time we hung out."
"Why?" I blurted. He put his hand on the side of my face and smiled at me.
"My parents are push-overs," he said. "My teachers are push-overs. The girls that try to throw themselves at me at school are push-overs. I'm just a trouble maker to them, and that's all I'll ever be. I like that you expect better of me."
"It's not just me," I said raising my eyebrows at him and smiling. "I saw that goofy grin you had on your face when my mom was putting you through the wringer." He brushed his lips against mine and my knees almost gave out.
"Goofy was it?" he said, putting one hand around my waist. He was tormenting me on purpose.
"Adam, take it easy." he looked at me with a bit more of a serious expression and he took his hand off my waist.
"Sorry," he said. "You're right. I don't even know if you feel the same and I'm all over you."
I thought about it for a minute. I didn't really know whether I felt the same either.
"I'm attracted to you," I said. "And I think highly of you as a friend. But that's all I can tell you right now. I don't want to tell you anything I won't be able to back up later."
“I want to be with you. I'm not saying we have to get married, I just want you to try.” He took both my hands and locked his fingers together with mine. "No promises."
"I don't want to make a split-second decision. I've never had a friend like you, I don't want anything to happen to that."
"I won't be perfect. I'm going to fuck up sometimes, but I want to try. Even if you say no, I'll be okay with that. I'm lucky to have you in my life, whether it's as a boyfriend or a friend."
"You're so shy, but when people deserve it you give them hell. You make me think of someone other than myself, which is pretty impressive. You're strong but when you care about people it shows." He smiled at me and swung our held hands up and down. "Even when you're cussing someone out you're so fucking sweet about it."
"It's not on purpose," I answered and he laughed. I didn't really know how to handle that speech of his. I was completely floored.
"Thank-you, Adam. You are so sweet, I don't know what to say."
"'Take me now'," he offered. I glared at him but I couldn't help but smile at the same time. "Admit it, I get you hot."
I still wasn't sure. I've never been good at making immediate decisions and it seemed to out of the blue.
“We should talk about this tomorrow when you're sober.”
“I’m not drunk.” He replied, and I gave him a skeptical look.
“Okaaay, I’m drunk. But I’m conscious and that means we can talk about it. Will you be my boyfriend, Dylon?”
“I don’t know.” I said honestly.
“Why don’t you know?”
I was so distressed I actually uttered a small cry.
“What if it doesn’t work and we screw it up?”
“We’ll have to go back to boring old friends.”
“What if we screw it up really bad and can’t go back to being friends?” I insisted.
“Chris and Matt would never let us live it down. They’d have us stitched together until we learned to get along again.”
“What if it goes wrong and they pick sides?” I said desperately.
“They’d pick your side, so you don’t have to worry.” He smiled at me and I rolled my eyes.
“I couldn't bare for you to be left alone, no matter what. I’d still be your friend, even if I was a bitch and made you miserable. I’d still care.”
“There you go. We have nothing to worry about”
“Okay. Contradicting myself. But what if-“
“Dylon. If you don’t want to date me, say no. You don’t have to analyze every aspect. But please stop torturing me." He gave both of my hands a squeeze and I gave him what I hoped was an apologetic expression.
"I have a chance to experience something so incredible, and I never thought it would ever happen to an asshole like me," he continued. "Even if it’s the smallest chance, I have the chance to be loved by you. I don’t know if I can be what you need or even want, and I’m pretty sure you deserve better. But I want to love you. I want to love you so fucking much.”
I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say, and Adam’s eyes were watering. I wanted to wipe his tears away all romantically like they do in movies, but I thought I’d probably end up stabbing him in the eye.
“Okay.” I said, somewhat unconsciously. His expression turned around so quickly I thought his smile would just keep going and fly right off his face.
“Okay?” he asked, cautious but very excited.
“Adam Cross, I want to be your boyfriend.”
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close and gave me the most amazing hug I had ever received in my life. I felt something tugging at my waist and realized he was trying to undo my pants. I pushed him back again and smiled at him.
“Adam, I am not having sex with you right now.” He grinned devilishly back at me.
“I was hoping you’d say that.” And then he kissed me softly on the lips. "I was just testing you."
"Uh-huh," I said.
“I want to do this right.” He promised me.
“So do I. And I know I'll screw up, but I'll do the best I can. I've never... really been in love before.”
"I want you to know I don't want to hide it," he said seriously. "I want to be able to hold your hand at school and kiss you. I know it will cause shit but I refuse to act like I'm ashamed of you."
The thought of kissing a boy at school terrified me, when I couldn't even stand to be around people when I was on my own. But looking at him now, so happy and hopeful, it made me think that we could handle it.
"Yeah," I said. "Alright. We're not going to hide it."
We embraced once more and I smiled, burying myself in his shoulder. Then something occurred to me and I flung my head up and grabbed his shoulders.
“Turn around.” I said urgently. He looked at me with a very perplexed expression.
“What, is there someone else in here?”
“Just turn around!” I demanded. He did, and I took a long moment to stare at his ass.
“What are you doing?” he said suspiciously.
“Something I've been meaning to do for weeks."
He turned back around and grinned at me, and gave my arm a little pinch.
"I knew it," he said. "I've already checked you out a dozen times." I scowled at him.
"No fair." He shrugged and kissed me again.
"Alright. I think we'd better be getting downstairs, my mom said she'd give us rides home and she should be here soon."
We went back downstairs and Chris and Matt found us just outside the kitchen. They looked from me to Adam, to our held hands, and saw that we were holding hands. They looked at each other and shrugged.
"Congratulations!" They yelled and threw their empty beer cups in the air before running over and grabbing us up in a big group hug.
"My friends are weird," I thought to myself. But for the first time in my life, I wasn't scared of them disappearing. No more hiding or second-guessing motives. No more uncertain terms.
“Okay,” it read “you’ll come. But are you going to eat lunch with us?” I grinned and shook my head, tossing my phone back into my backpack. I guess everyone was back to their old selves.
When I got to the cafeteria I tried not to look too closely at anyone, I just searched the rows of benches for a familiar face. I saw Matt first, but there didn’t seem to be any room at their table, so I just kind of stood awkwardly for a minute, looking around for any free space at all.
I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around slowly. Much to my relief, it was just Chris.
“Over here.” He put his hand on my waist to steer me toward the table and I instantly went rigid. He must have noticed because he took his hand away and whispered an apology in my ear. It sent a shiver down my neck and made me want to punch him.
When we got to the bench, Chris tapped a couple people on the shoulder and jerked his head. They scowled at him, but they moved aside nonetheless, so we sat facing Adam and Matt.
“There you are!” Adam exclaimed. “We thought you got lost.”
“Or eaten.” Matt added.
“Not in a sexy way.” Chris finished.
For the most part lunch was decent. We had some laughs, and it was good to have some company at school for once. I mean real company, not people who ignored me half the time and treated me like someone I wasn’t the other half of the time. We were pretty tightly packed on the bench so Chris kept brushing against me and it was really distracting.
I ended up zoning out for the better half of the hour, just staring at my food. Until I caught the end of something Adam was saying.
"... unlike this faggot here."
Without really meaning to I had grabbed my backpack and stood up. Now I was just still and awkward while the three of them stared at me. Adam looked like he was preparing to get punched in the face, but at the moment I didn't even have the will to tell him off.
"Sorry," I said. "I gotta go." I turned and walked toward the cafeteria doors but Adam ran up behind me and grabbed my arm.
"Dylon, I just-" I pulled my arm away from him. Tears were forming in my eyes and I couldn't hold them back. At the very least I was determined not to let the others see.
"It's fine, just never mind. I just have to go." And so I went.
I was so furious with myself that I skipped my last two classes and just walked home. By the time I was done supper Adam had sent me five texts, but I couldn't bring myself to read them. He probably thought I was a psycho. I wanted to tell him it wasn't a big deal, but he wouldn't believe me. I wanted to tell him why I freaked out, but I didn't know.
The next morning when I got off the bus, Matt was waiting for me on the steps outside the school. He asked me if I was coming to the cafeteria at lunch today.
“I don't really think that's a good idea.”
“Adam isn't here,” he said. I stared at the ground and shifted my feet.
"Oh." Well, crap. I felt even worse now.
"I didn't mean to make him feel bad," I said. "It just caught me off guard. It's not a big deal."
Matt gave me a skeptical look.
"He said he's been trying to get a hold of you..."
"Yeah, I know. I... can't really explain that right now. But I'll talk to him tonight." I didn't really know what I was going to say to him yet, but I had to try. Mat nodded.
"For the record, he would deserve it if you were mad a him."
"But I'm not."
"Okay, good." Matt said. "Look, is it okay if Chris and I come join you in the art room for lunch? There's something we want to talk to you about."
"Yeah, sure."
At that point the bell rang, so we went inside to start our day.
When Chris and Matt came into the art room at lunch I moved my backpack from the seat beside me, which turned out not to be necessary because they both sat on the opposite side of the table. I half expected them to start lecturing me about making Adam feel bad.
“Right.” I said. “So, what's up?”
"Friday," Matt said. “There’s a party here in town, down on River Street. We were gonna go, we were just wondering if you were interested.”
I was going to tell them that I absolutely was not interested, but Chris didn’t give me the chance.
“Look, I understand how you feel about being around that many people considering what happened with your old friends. And I’m not gonna lie, Adam said he heard Tyler and Sarah are going to be there. But so will we.”
"Well..." I started.
“I know you’re not happy with him, but trust me. If either of those dipshits tried anything half as bad as what Adam said to you yesterday, he’d punch them in the balls.” Chris said. I shook my head.
"I am not mad at him."
"Then why did you leave?" Chris asked with interest. I heaved a very reluctant sigh.
"Look, it just caught me off guard. I left because I was crying and I didn't want you guys to see, and I haven't answered his texts because I was embarrassed about running off and I thought he would think I was psychotic."
Chris and Matt exchanged glances.
"I've just had a lot going through my mind lately, okay?"
"Hey, it's okay," Chris said. He smiled at me and I blushed ever so slightly. "We understand. You don't have to cover up around us. That's what we're here for."
I was starting to feel a bit awkward so I thought I'd better try to steer the conversation away from my feelings.
"I'm not exactly happy with his choice of words, but he's been a good friend. I know he'd freak out if anyone else tried to say something like that to me."
"It's true." Matt shrugged. “Even before I suggested we invite you over. He was complaining for days about the way your former “friends” talked about you when you weren’t around. He was in a class with both of them. By far the best part was when he said Sara was a... what was it?”
“I think it was ‘an eight-cunted wenchtopus’.” Chris offered.
“Something like that.” Matt replied without the slightest smirk.
“How can you say that with a straight face?” I said, thoroughly amazed.
“It helps that we’ve known him for years.” Matt said casually. “But anyway, you should come to the party. There won’t be any video games, but it will be a good time.”
“I’ll think about it.” I mumbled, fully intending not to think about it at all. “Hey, will Kelsey be there?” Chris smacked himself in the face with his apple.
“Oh, uh... I don’t know. We haven’t talked lately.”
“Chris is ignoring her,” Matt translated.
“Awww. A woman’s not enough for you, now that you’ve shared a bed with me?” I batted my nonexistent eyelashes at him.
“Actually, it kind of is your fault,” he said after a minute. “I told her what happened and then she kept asking of we could have a threesome.”
“Oh," I said. "That would be weird.”
“I’d cry.” He agreed. “But she wouldn’t let it go. It started getting really awkward.”
“Would you do it?” I wondered. “With someone who wasn’t me?”
“I don’t think so.” Chris answered, shaking his head. “I think it would be weird no matter what.”
“Even with two girls?” Matt offered. Chris just shook his head. “Well, I would.”
“I know I would.” I said, and they both gave me weird looks. “With... two guys.” I corrected.
“Oh, so you weren’t kidding? When Adam asked you which one of us you’d want to have sex with?” Matt inquired.
“No,” I said. “That wasn’t a completely honest answer. Not to the question he asked me, anyway. But it wasn’t a lie, either. I wouldn’t turn it down.”
“You don’t think it would be weird?” Chris asked.
“Nah. You’re all great, good-looking guys. I’d rather do it with you than with strangers.” Chris and Matt exchanged looks and I sunk in my chair a little bit.
“Sorry...” I added quickly. “I didn’t mean to weird you out.”
“It’s cool.” Matt assured me. “I’m way too conceited to turn down any sort of compliment, even if it comes from a big ol’ homo.” I flicked a blueberry at his head.
“I find it a little weird, but not for the reason you think. You always seem so... reserved when it comes to sexual stuff.”
“Oh god.” I said, shaking my head. “If you knew half of the stuff that goes through my mind...”
“Reeeeally?” Chris said, leaning toward me and propping his chin up on his hand. “Do tell!”
“I’m not telling you." I glared at him. "You big freak."
“Why?” he said. "Are they are about me?" I didn't say anything and his eyes widened. "You do think about me!"
"And I don't suppose it's put you off at all."
“Nope! You just made me more curious.”
“You are the gayest straight person. Seriously.” I told him. He winked back.
“Well, too bad. I’m not answering your horrible question.”
“Dyloooon!” Chris said, pouting.
"Yeah, come on. Don't be afraid of the details, either." Matt added. I shook my head.
“I’m never talking to you guys again. Ever.”
“Aw, come on Dylon.” Matt said sympathetically. “I’m sure we’d have thoughts like that once and a while about our female friends. If we had any.”
“Yeah, come on. We were the ones asking. We watch porn as a group activity. We’ve all seen gay porn. It’s not a subject we’re shy about.” Chris added.
“Because you’re all really weird.” I added. Then I sighed. “I wish I could get used to it. I wish I didn’t find it so uncomfortable.”
“Don’t you worry about that. We’ll beat it out of you.” Chris offered.
“Kinky.” I answered.
"If you honestly don't want to talk about it, we're cool with that. If you want us to stop bugging you, tell us. We just want you to know that you don't have to feel embarrassed around us. But if you're just the kind of person who isn't interested in talking about the subject then that's just how you are."
I considered it for the moment. I hadn't really thought about the concept of not talking about it for any reason other than being ashamed of it.
"I think I'm okay if you keep bugging me." I said. "I mean, I do want to talk about it sometimes. Just not a lot. But, if I get the inclination it would be nice to be able to say 'Hey, I find that guy really sexy' or 'Hey Chris, I want you in my mouth.'"
I was hoping to catch him off guard and when he choked on his water I knew I had succeeded. Matt folded his arms and scrunched up his face.
"How come Dylon doesn't want me in his mouth."
It wasn’t very long after that before the bell went off, signaling that it was time for everyone to go back to class. We packed up our stuff and went to our respective classes, but I wasn’t able to focus for the entire rest of the day. All of the sex talk at lunch made me miss Adam and his sexy face. And wonder what else might be sexy about him. I still hadn’t checked out his ass. I really had to do that.
After my next class I texted Adam and asked him to come over to school, and at about four o'clock I heard a knock at my door and practically ran to open it. When I opened it he was standing really still and he let out a deep breath when he saw me.
"Hey." he said.
"Hey, Adam. Listen. I'm not ticked off at you. Come to my room for a sec?" I could tell he wanted to make all sorts of jokes but was worried about the results, but he followed me regardless. When we got in I closed the door and took a deep breath. He didn't give me much chance to say anything though.
"Dylon, I am really sorry. I was just playing around, I didn't think about it. You know I don't think any less of you..." Not really knowing what to do I put my hands on his shoulders.
"I know you're not like that, Adam. Honestly I do. I get that it was a joke." I dropped my hands and started to pace around a bit.
"Look, I was just zoned out and my mind was on other things and it caught me off guard. I always had to keep up the pretense around my old friends, I never let myself relax. When you first invited me over I thought it was all a big joke, but you guys are all great."
"When I heard you say that, I just heard it coming from Tyler's mouth and it was like the thing I had been so terrified of for years was coming true right then and there. For the briefest, tiniest moment I felt like I had been wrong to let my guard down. But I don't believe that, I really don't."
"I know it came from you, not from him. I know it came out as a joke. Not one at my expense, not a mean-spirited one at all. Just one friend to another. But in the moment where I had felt injured I had started crying and I was so ashamed and mad at myself and I didn't want you to see... that I had doubted you." I finished quietly.
"And then instead of staying and explaining I ignored you like an idiot and made you feel terrible. And I'm really sorry."
To my great surprise he walked over and hugged me. I blushed so severely I thought my head was going to burst into flames and just kind of awkwardly patted his back. And he didn't let go.
"Thank-you," he said. He pulled back and smiled at me. "Thank-you, Dylon."
He told me he had to get going because he was expected home for dinner. We said goodbye and then I watched from the door as he practically ran down the street. He looked so much like a little kid that I couldn't help but smile.
It was almost eleven o’clock by the time I got to the party on Friday. I had been ignoring Matt and Chris’s texts for at least twenty minutes, but they hadn’t been deterred. I could barely understand what they were trying to write anymore, so I decided I should just go see them face-to-face before communications broke down completely.
And yes, I wanted my chance to check out Adams’ possibly-sexy behind. What even made someone’s butt attractive? I had no idea. I wasn’t sure if I would know once I saw it how it fared on the scale of deliciousness. But I just figured, that’s what you’re supposed to do right?
I texted Matt to let him know that I was at the house, and he came out to lead me in. I figured it would be better than just walking in to a stranger’s house, and it seemed kind of wrong to knock on the door at a party. I had never actually been to one before this.
Matt guided me over to where Chris and Adam were standing with a group of a few other people, everyone had drinks in their hands, and already I felt a bit awkward.
“Go say hi to the chums, I’ll get you something to put in your hands.” Matt said before disappearing into a different room.
When Chris saw me he threw up his hands and pushed over to me. He threw an arm around my shoulders and gave me a very exaggerated kiss on the cheek.
“Hey!” He exclaimed as we made our way back to the group. “It’s my favourite person!”
“Dylon!” Adam said as Chris pushed me into the small circle, throwing an arm around my shoulders from the other side. “I’m really glad you made it!”
I wasn’t sure what to do with the homoerotic attention of my drunk friends, so I just smiled and said hi to the people I didn’t know. Between Chris and Adam they were able to introduce me to everyone, but most of the names were forgotten as soon as the next one was said. There were three girls and another guy, and I was so nervous that I barely even saw them standing there. My brain was too full of all the ways they were probably judging me in their minds.
Chris released me and wandered off into the crowd, but Adam kept his arm on my shoulders as the other people carried on conversation and he sipped beer from a big plastic cup. Eventually I got so embarrassed that I leaned over and asked him to take his arm away. His smile faultered a bit but then he took it away and carried on with his jovial partying.
Once the conversation had simmered down and the people had wandered off he put his arm around me again.
"Come on," he said. "There's some other people you should talk to."
"Adam..." I said. He looked at me and then after a moment he rolled his eyes and took his arm away again.
"Dylon, these people have all seen drunk guys before. They won't even notice. We could probably strip down and fuck right here and no one would look twice."
I was about to tell him how completely certain I was that this wasn't true, but just then Matt came back and handed me a drink. He gave Adam another one as well, and he stacked the full cup into the now-empty one he had been holding when I arrived. Together the two of them accompanied me to the next group of people.
I managed to talk a little bit this time around, just basic stuff; what classes are you taking, yes it’s true I’m gay, no I’m not seeing anyone, no I haven’t had sex with anyone at our school. When I answered this last one I saw some eyes dart toward Adam, then they looked back at me and smiled. I felt a little bit queasy.
Eventually the group dispersed and it was just me and Adam. I wasn’t sure where Matt had disappeared to, and Chris was pressed into a corner with some girl’s tongue down his throat. Adam started leading me into another room, which I guessed would be the kitchen and also were the drinks were kept. As we walked through the hallway he put his hand on my back to keep me from getting jostled by the traffic, but I stepped to the side and he took his hand back sighed.
“Sorry,” he said, looking confused and a bit injured.
“Adam, come on. You know how I feel about being around this many people. I just...”
“If you're going to say you don't want them to think you're gay, it's a little late for that.” He scoffed.
Ouch. I stopped dead.
"Well that's not really my fault, now is it." He turned around and shook his head.
"Fuck. I'm really sorry, that was such a shitty thing to say."
"Being gay is my problem, I don't wand people giving you shit for touching the queer kid." I said.
"Being gay isn't a problem. People being assholes is a problem. I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks about me, or whether they think I'm taking my friend's dick up my ass. If they're uncomfortable because they're making assumptions, that's not my issue."
"And it's great that you feel that way. Honestly, I'm really grateful to you and Matt and Chris for always treating me like I'm normal...."
"You are normal," he cut in.
"But it's because you guys are so great that I don't want to be responsible for people getting the wrong impression and giving you shit."
Suddenly he smiled at me and I got confused. He laughed a little bit.
"What?"
"Nothing. Just come with me for a minute, I need to talk to you." Mystified, I let him lead me to a set of stairs. He put his drink down on a table at the bottom and then we climbed up. I was starting to get very suspicious.
When we got upstairs we managed to find a bedroom, which I was honestly quite surprised to find empty. He took a look around and then closed the door and locked it.
“Okay.” I said. “What’s going-”
And then he started kissing me. He was rather enthusiastic about it too, I was practically pinned to the back of the door. It was a good fifteen seconds before I even registered the shock of it. I pushed lightly on his chest and he broke away and looked into my eyes and I almost melted.
“I like you.” He said, holding his lips so close to mine as he spoke that I could taste the alcohol on his breath. “Dylon, I really like you.”
I stuttered. I opened my mouth and closed it again and I couldn’t make any words appear.
“I've liked you for a while, I guess. Maybe since the first time we hung out."
"Why?" I blurted. He put his hand on the side of my face and smiled at me.
"My parents are push-overs," he said. "My teachers are push-overs. The girls that try to throw themselves at me at school are push-overs. I'm just a trouble maker to them, and that's all I'll ever be. I like that you expect better of me."
"It's not just me," I said raising my eyebrows at him and smiling. "I saw that goofy grin you had on your face when my mom was putting you through the wringer." He brushed his lips against mine and my knees almost gave out.
"Goofy was it?" he said, putting one hand around my waist. He was tormenting me on purpose.
"Adam, take it easy." he looked at me with a bit more of a serious expression and he took his hand off my waist.
"Sorry," he said. "You're right. I don't even know if you feel the same and I'm all over you."
I thought about it for a minute. I didn't really know whether I felt the same either.
"I'm attracted to you," I said. "And I think highly of you as a friend. But that's all I can tell you right now. I don't want to tell you anything I won't be able to back up later."
“I want to be with you. I'm not saying we have to get married, I just want you to try.” He took both my hands and locked his fingers together with mine. "No promises."
"I don't want to make a split-second decision. I've never had a friend like you, I don't want anything to happen to that."
"I won't be perfect. I'm going to fuck up sometimes, but I want to try. Even if you say no, I'll be okay with that. I'm lucky to have you in my life, whether it's as a boyfriend or a friend."
"You're so shy, but when people deserve it you give them hell. You make me think of someone other than myself, which is pretty impressive. You're strong but when you care about people it shows." He smiled at me and swung our held hands up and down. "Even when you're cussing someone out you're so fucking sweet about it."
"It's not on purpose," I answered and he laughed. I didn't really know how to handle that speech of his. I was completely floored.
"Thank-you, Adam. You are so sweet, I don't know what to say."
"'Take me now'," he offered. I glared at him but I couldn't help but smile at the same time. "Admit it, I get you hot."
I still wasn't sure. I've never been good at making immediate decisions and it seemed to out of the blue.
“We should talk about this tomorrow when you're sober.”
“I’m not drunk.” He replied, and I gave him a skeptical look.
“Okaaay, I’m drunk. But I’m conscious and that means we can talk about it. Will you be my boyfriend, Dylon?”
“I don’t know.” I said honestly.
“Why don’t you know?”
I was so distressed I actually uttered a small cry.
“What if it doesn’t work and we screw it up?”
“We’ll have to go back to boring old friends.”
“What if we screw it up really bad and can’t go back to being friends?” I insisted.
“Chris and Matt would never let us live it down. They’d have us stitched together until we learned to get along again.”
“What if it goes wrong and they pick sides?” I said desperately.
“They’d pick your side, so you don’t have to worry.” He smiled at me and I rolled my eyes.
“I couldn't bare for you to be left alone, no matter what. I’d still be your friend, even if I was a bitch and made you miserable. I’d still care.”
“There you go. We have nothing to worry about”
“Okay. Contradicting myself. But what if-“
“Dylon. If you don’t want to date me, say no. You don’t have to analyze every aspect. But please stop torturing me." He gave both of my hands a squeeze and I gave him what I hoped was an apologetic expression.
"I have a chance to experience something so incredible, and I never thought it would ever happen to an asshole like me," he continued. "Even if it’s the smallest chance, I have the chance to be loved by you. I don’t know if I can be what you need or even want, and I’m pretty sure you deserve better. But I want to love you. I want to love you so fucking much.”
I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say, and Adam’s eyes were watering. I wanted to wipe his tears away all romantically like they do in movies, but I thought I’d probably end up stabbing him in the eye.
“Okay.” I said, somewhat unconsciously. His expression turned around so quickly I thought his smile would just keep going and fly right off his face.
“Okay?” he asked, cautious but very excited.
“Adam Cross, I want to be your boyfriend.”
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close and gave me the most amazing hug I had ever received in my life. I felt something tugging at my waist and realized he was trying to undo my pants. I pushed him back again and smiled at him.
“Adam, I am not having sex with you right now.” He grinned devilishly back at me.
“I was hoping you’d say that.” And then he kissed me softly on the lips. "I was just testing you."
"Uh-huh," I said.
“I want to do this right.” He promised me.
“So do I. And I know I'll screw up, but I'll do the best I can. I've never... really been in love before.”
"I want you to know I don't want to hide it," he said seriously. "I want to be able to hold your hand at school and kiss you. I know it will cause shit but I refuse to act like I'm ashamed of you."
The thought of kissing a boy at school terrified me, when I couldn't even stand to be around people when I was on my own. But looking at him now, so happy and hopeful, it made me think that we could handle it.
"Yeah," I said. "Alright. We're not going to hide it."
We embraced once more and I smiled, burying myself in his shoulder. Then something occurred to me and I flung my head up and grabbed his shoulders.
“Turn around.” I said urgently. He looked at me with a very perplexed expression.
“What, is there someone else in here?”
“Just turn around!” I demanded. He did, and I took a long moment to stare at his ass.
“What are you doing?” he said suspiciously.
“Something I've been meaning to do for weeks."
He turned back around and grinned at me, and gave my arm a little pinch.
"I knew it," he said. "I've already checked you out a dozen times." I scowled at him.
"No fair." He shrugged and kissed me again.
"Alright. I think we'd better be getting downstairs, my mom said she'd give us rides home and she should be here soon."
We went back downstairs and Chris and Matt found us just outside the kitchen. They looked from me to Adam, to our held hands, and saw that we were holding hands. They looked at each other and shrugged.
"Congratulations!" They yelled and threw their empty beer cups in the air before running over and grabbing us up in a big group hug.
"My friends are weird," I thought to myself. But for the first time in my life, I wasn't scared of them disappearing. No more hiding or second-guessing motives. No more uncertain terms.
Uncertain Terms Pt.4
We started off the activities by watching a movie, some sort of typical
action flick with some unkillable badass dude and lots of explosions and
a hot girl that started out as a spy for the bad guy but realized the
error of her ways when she fell for the two-dimensional protagonist. I
wasn't all that engrossed, but there was a full frontal of the girl in
the shower late into the movie which caused Chris to whoop
enthusiastically and almost smash his can of beer into the side of my
face.
Sitting right next to him, I had to put a lot of concentration into not glancing in the bump in his shorts, but it was hard. Rather, it was difficult. I mean obviously it was hard, but... well, whatever. You get the point.
By the time the movie wrapped up everyone was done eating so we switched to our primary objective; the video games. Adam and I were on different teams this time around, which worked out fine because I wasn’t as good at tonight’s game anyway. We started to make a competition out of trying not to swear, but most of us just settled on generic replacements like "tits" or "balls". Chris on the other hand, got more creative depending on how ticked off he was.
At one point after being the fourth consecutive player death, he let out his best phrase yet; “dolphin cock, blender phone, shit-fuck-god-damn-titty-spleen.”
“I think you’re missing the point of the game.” Matt said while Adam and I were immobilized with laughter. Chris gave him the finger and Matt shot him, which made him even angrier.
“You fucking bastard!” he shouted, the no-swearing game completely forgotten. Blood dripped down my and Chris’s screen and the words “you lose” showed up, causing me to join in the swearing. Adam and Matt started swearing back at us, and soon it had turned into a shouting match of silly name calling. It was a good ten minutes before we got tired of the insults.
The more we drank the weirder things became. Matt got a bit quieter than usual and a bit less focused on video games, which evened out the death toll a bit. Adam started getting a bit more rude and irritating than usual but for the most part it wasn't anything that couldn't be effectively ignored. Once in a while he made a comment saying something was "gay" or calling one of us queer when we did something he didn't like. I glared at him for a few moments whenever he really ticked me off and he always said sorry, but it was hard to take it seriously when he said something else twenty minutes later.
The most surprising change however, came from Chris. After we had abandoned the games and put on another movie he left to go to the bathroom, and I shifted myself around so that I was sitting up with my back against the head board and my legs stretched out. When Chris came back he practically sat on top of me, sitting with his side pressed against me and crossing his legs on top of mine.
At first I assumed he was trying to be funny until he put his head on my shoulder. I looked over at Matt and Adam, but neither of them seemed to even notice.
"What are you doing?"
"'m tired." He said.
"Then lay down." I pushed him off to the other side but he grabbed me and pulled me down onto the bed. Before I knew it we were wrestling around and then he started biting my arm. I felt myself get an instant erection and hurriedly pushed him away.
"Okay, okay, let's just watch the movie."
Before the movie was done I had gotten up to pee about five times, and one time when I came back Chris's shorts had disappeared and he was down to his underwear. When I looked I saw that Matt and Adam were in boxers as well. I went to my bag and took out my pj's and started heading back to the bathroom.
"Where are you going?" Adam asked.
"To change my clothes." I held up my pajamas.
"Dude, just do it in here. We're not going to jump on you."
"I don't wear underwear to bed. I'm taking everything off to change."
"We're all guys." Matt piped up. "We know what a dick is, we're not gonna have nightmares."
"Fine," I thought. "But if anyone brings this up at school I'm blaming it on the beer."
When I was changed I slipped under the covers of the bed, as Matt had told me earlier in the evening he didn't mind if I slept there. Chris followed me in and wrapped his arms around me, putting his head on my chest. I was bewildered and didn't know what to do so I just lay there trying to stay completely still, like I was hoping he wouldn't realize I wasn't a girl as long as I didn't move. He muttered something and I had to concentrate really hard to hear him.
"Am I making you uncomfortable?"
I felt bad, so I lied. In an attempt to seem more sincere I put my one arm around him. About fifteen minutes later Adam crawled into the bed on my other side while Matt went into his closet and pulled out a pile of couch cushions and some pillows and blankets to make his own bed on the floor. Chris seemed to fall asleep the moment the lights were off, so Matt, Adam and I stayed awake talking quietly for a little while.
Before long we all fell quiet, except for Matt who started snoring. I was laying with my eyes closed and right on the edge of falling asleep when I heard Adam whispering my name, asking me if I was awake. I was worried that conversing would make me more awake, so I kept quiet. I heard a rustling noise beside me and tried to ignore it. I was determined to fall asleep in the next five seconds and refused to be distracted by tossing and turning.
But I did become distracted when the noise didn't stop. And then Adam started breathing heavily and I realized what was going on. I was only mortified for a brief moment however, and then finally I was asleep.
Several hours later I woke up and soon found myself having a small, silent freakout when I saw Chris in his boxers with his arms wrapped around me. I tried to sit up but he clutched at me and pulled me over to him. He mumbled something to me and when the yelling inside my head had stopped I asked him to repeat it.
“Don’t get up yet.”
Soon I became aware that Adam was standing at the edge of the bed buckling up his belt. He looked over, saw that I was awake, then looked at Matt.
“Later.” He brushed his fingers through his hair and disappeared from the room.
I just stayed in the bed blinking for a second while Matt moved around the room cleaning things up a bit.
“Drinking makes people weird.” I said after a few long moments. Then I fell back asleep.
The next time I woke up Chris was gone as well and Matt was up playing video games will the volume turned way low. I rolled out of bed and seized my school bag, digging out my deodorant and my clothes from the day before.
“Look,” Matt said suddenly. “I don’t want Chris to give you any ideas. Just do yourself a favour and don’t let yourself fall for him.” I tossed my clothes on the bed and applied my deodorant.
“I’m not falling for him.” I said groggily, because I figured it was the appropriate thing to say.
“Good.” Matt answered. “He doesn’t get that way often, but I’ve seen it a couple times.”
And then slowly I remembered how his arms were around me this morning and everything from the night before.
“Get what way? Gay?” Matt snorted.
“No. Chris isn’t gay. He’s affectionate, yeah. But when it comes to sex he’s all about the girls. That’s why I said don’t fall for him. He’s selfish.”
“Are you speaking from experience?”
“Nah. He’s never tried it with me, and I wouldn’t let him. I’m not as comfortable around other guys as he is, but then again he wasn’t raised to be afraid of it like I was. Me and my brother weren’t even allowed to hug each other with my dad around. The guy himself never so much as shook my hand.”
I realized that I wasn’t paying much attention because my head felt like a giant cotton ball. I was mostly wishing that Matt would just stop talking.
“You'll see it sometimes, Chris even gets that way when he's sober. Him and Adam always sleep in the same bed.”
I raised my eyebrows.
"Adam doesn't seem like he'd be very into that."
"He's very into it. He just likes to put on a show, he hardly ever lets himself relax. He thinks he has to put on a front or everyone will ignore him. He's actually a pretty warm and fuzzy guy, just that the girls that chase after him are always intimidated by how he acts. And he's too embarrassed to ask for it."
I couldn't help but laugh.
"It's hard to imagine Adam being shy about anything."
"Oh trust me, I know. Chris wouldn't go near him until we were about fourteen. They used to hate each other, actually."
"How come?"
"Adam hated Chris because Chris never pretends, and he was envious. Chris just hated Adam because he acts like a tool." I laughed again.
"Anyway, I just wanted to make sure Chris wasn't putting any ideas in your head. I'm assuming I don't need to say anything on the subject of Mr. Cross."
“So you’re saying I should fall for you instead?” I joked. Matt let out a short laugh.
“Oh, god no. I’d be the worst of them all.”
Matt and I played video games for about an hour, but I wasn’t able to focus. After dying a dozen times I told him I thought it was time to return home. I got dressed, gathered up my stuff, and took off. The walk seemed to take ten times as long as usual.
When I got home I scribbled a note for my mom and went to my room to play some video games and sleep some more. I heard a knock on my door around 4pm and my mother telling me that supper was ready.
“We’re just having soup. I wasn’t sure what your stomach could handle.” She told me.
“Soup is fine. My stomach is fine, but soup is fine.”
As we ate, I told my mother what happened with Chris, and Adam’s mood, and what Matt had said regarding each. She gave me a funny look and then sipped a spoonful of soup.
“Your friends are weird.”
“I keep telling them that, and they don't believe me.” I shrugged. She paused for a moment.
“Will you be mad at Chris?” she asked. I stared at my soup.
“I would be mad," she continued. "That’s not really fair.”
“I’m not that mad. It was just a little startling, is all.”
As I sat struggling to lift up my spoon I started to realize that maybe I had lied to Matt earlier. Maybe I was starting to feel something for Chris, only to have everything pulled out from under me as soon as the feelings began.
“And what about that Adam guy? Are you mad at him?”
“He’s not really homophobic. I know we haven’t been friends for very long, but I am at least sure of that much. Like Matt said, I guess he just gets in weird moods sometimes and tries to tick people off on purpose.” My mom shook her head.
“You shouldn’t let him get away with it.” She said sternly.
"I don't, promise. I tell him off when he goes too far."
"Kind of." I added in my mind.
After supper I returned to my room. I sat on the floor, playing with my phone and staring into space. My phone buzzed a couple times but I didn’t check who was texting, the prior conversation of the day had worm me out. It hadn’t been much conversation, but it had given me a few things to think about. And I felt like I really should spend some time thinking about them.
After a few more minutes my phone started to ring and I told my phone to go away. I looked at the call display and saw that it was Chris. I didn’t answer. Once it stopped ringing I got another text – also Chris. It said “Pick up, please?” and then my phone started ringing again. I put my head down on my knees and pressed the “talk” button.
“Hello?” I said.
“Hey.” Chris said back softly. “What’s up?”
We talked about a whole lot of nothing for a few minutes which was very irritating, because Chris kept sighing heavily into my ear.
“Alright,” I said finally. “Can we just talk about this? So you can stop hyperventilating in slow motion?”
“I’m an asshole.” He offered immediately.
“What makes you say that?” I said with great wonder.
“I’m kind of needy sometimes. I feel really bad that I might have... given you the wrong idea.”
“You didn't seem concerned about it at the time.” It felt like a low blow, but now that we were talking about it I realized how frustrated I was.
"I do feel really bad."
I leaned sideways and let myself flop onto the floor. Then I just lay there curled up with my phone against my ear.
“I wasn’t thinking about it, at the time. I cuddle up with Adam sometimes, and I just never took into consideration that your situation would be... different.”
"Hey, it's not like you're exactly irresistible." I meant it as a joke but I could hear my irritation all through my voice as I said it. I apologized.
“It wasn’t that bad.” I said. “It just messed me up a little bit. I let myself get carried away.”
“Awh, it wasn't your fault. You told us a while ago you've never been with a guy at all before. I can understand how it must have been. It's not your fault if some small part of you was hopeful that you finally had someone who felt that way about you. You can't help how you feel.” Chris said, attempting to assure me.
“Yeah, I can’t help that I’m pathetic. Just a lonely queer who starts falling for his friends.”
“Come on, Dylon. I’m the one that got carried away, you know that.”
“People are allowed to show affection for their friends, there's nothing wrong with that.”
“Yes, but people generally don’t wrap their 98% naked selves around their friends and fall asleep on top of them.”
“Lucky me.” I said, and then I sighed. “I’m sorry, I’m making you feel worse.”
“Well, why shouldn’t you.” Chris replied.
“I don’t want to. It's not you I'm frustrated with, it's myself. You just wanted to feel close to someone, right? Well, I can’t fault you for that. I’m pretty familiar with the feeling.” He didn’t say anything for quite some time, and I wasn’t sure where else to go with the conversation.
“I'm a really physical person. I care a lot about my friends and I wanted to show you that I was comfortable with you, and that I'm glad to have you around. You're a good guy, Dylon. But... I should have talked to you about it first, I think.”
"I don't think it would have made a difference, really. I would have gone through this no matter what." I rolled over onto my back and put my free arm under my head and Chris apologized again.
“Look, you just wanted to cuddle. It’s not a big deal. That’s all I wanted, too. I didn’t want to have sex with you. I didn’t want to be your boyfriend. Like I said, I just got a little mixed up. I started thinking maybe it could be more than it was. But it can’t, and that’s fine. You’re a good friend. I like having you as just a friend.”
“Okay,” he breathed.
"But... I wouldn't really mind if it happened again. Now that we've got everything sorted out. If you think you'd be okay with that."
"Definitely."
I found myself smiling. The little knots that had tied themselves up around my brain started coming loose.
“Though next time try not to have your boner pressed against my leg all night, okay?” I requested. He was so embarrassed that he burst out laughing.
“Oh, shit. I didn’t even think about that.”
We talked for a couple more minutes, relieved but ultimately not having much more to discuss. Then we said goodbye and I hung up and I went back to reminding myself how stupid I was.
Sitting right next to him, I had to put a lot of concentration into not glancing in the bump in his shorts, but it was hard. Rather, it was difficult. I mean obviously it was hard, but... well, whatever. You get the point.
By the time the movie wrapped up everyone was done eating so we switched to our primary objective; the video games. Adam and I were on different teams this time around, which worked out fine because I wasn’t as good at tonight’s game anyway. We started to make a competition out of trying not to swear, but most of us just settled on generic replacements like "tits" or "balls". Chris on the other hand, got more creative depending on how ticked off he was.
At one point after being the fourth consecutive player death, he let out his best phrase yet; “dolphin cock, blender phone, shit-fuck-god-damn-titty-spleen.”
“I think you’re missing the point of the game.” Matt said while Adam and I were immobilized with laughter. Chris gave him the finger and Matt shot him, which made him even angrier.
“You fucking bastard!” he shouted, the no-swearing game completely forgotten. Blood dripped down my and Chris’s screen and the words “you lose” showed up, causing me to join in the swearing. Adam and Matt started swearing back at us, and soon it had turned into a shouting match of silly name calling. It was a good ten minutes before we got tired of the insults.
The more we drank the weirder things became. Matt got a bit quieter than usual and a bit less focused on video games, which evened out the death toll a bit. Adam started getting a bit more rude and irritating than usual but for the most part it wasn't anything that couldn't be effectively ignored. Once in a while he made a comment saying something was "gay" or calling one of us queer when we did something he didn't like. I glared at him for a few moments whenever he really ticked me off and he always said sorry, but it was hard to take it seriously when he said something else twenty minutes later.
The most surprising change however, came from Chris. After we had abandoned the games and put on another movie he left to go to the bathroom, and I shifted myself around so that I was sitting up with my back against the head board and my legs stretched out. When Chris came back he practically sat on top of me, sitting with his side pressed against me and crossing his legs on top of mine.
At first I assumed he was trying to be funny until he put his head on my shoulder. I looked over at Matt and Adam, but neither of them seemed to even notice.
"What are you doing?"
"'m tired." He said.
"Then lay down." I pushed him off to the other side but he grabbed me and pulled me down onto the bed. Before I knew it we were wrestling around and then he started biting my arm. I felt myself get an instant erection and hurriedly pushed him away.
"Okay, okay, let's just watch the movie."
Before the movie was done I had gotten up to pee about five times, and one time when I came back Chris's shorts had disappeared and he was down to his underwear. When I looked I saw that Matt and Adam were in boxers as well. I went to my bag and took out my pj's and started heading back to the bathroom.
"Where are you going?" Adam asked.
"To change my clothes." I held up my pajamas.
"Dude, just do it in here. We're not going to jump on you."
"I don't wear underwear to bed. I'm taking everything off to change."
"We're all guys." Matt piped up. "We know what a dick is, we're not gonna have nightmares."
"Fine," I thought. "But if anyone brings this up at school I'm blaming it on the beer."
When I was changed I slipped under the covers of the bed, as Matt had told me earlier in the evening he didn't mind if I slept there. Chris followed me in and wrapped his arms around me, putting his head on my chest. I was bewildered and didn't know what to do so I just lay there trying to stay completely still, like I was hoping he wouldn't realize I wasn't a girl as long as I didn't move. He muttered something and I had to concentrate really hard to hear him.
"Am I making you uncomfortable?"
I felt bad, so I lied. In an attempt to seem more sincere I put my one arm around him. About fifteen minutes later Adam crawled into the bed on my other side while Matt went into his closet and pulled out a pile of couch cushions and some pillows and blankets to make his own bed on the floor. Chris seemed to fall asleep the moment the lights were off, so Matt, Adam and I stayed awake talking quietly for a little while.
Before long we all fell quiet, except for Matt who started snoring. I was laying with my eyes closed and right on the edge of falling asleep when I heard Adam whispering my name, asking me if I was awake. I was worried that conversing would make me more awake, so I kept quiet. I heard a rustling noise beside me and tried to ignore it. I was determined to fall asleep in the next five seconds and refused to be distracted by tossing and turning.
But I did become distracted when the noise didn't stop. And then Adam started breathing heavily and I realized what was going on. I was only mortified for a brief moment however, and then finally I was asleep.
Several hours later I woke up and soon found myself having a small, silent freakout when I saw Chris in his boxers with his arms wrapped around me. I tried to sit up but he clutched at me and pulled me over to him. He mumbled something to me and when the yelling inside my head had stopped I asked him to repeat it.
“Don’t get up yet.”
Soon I became aware that Adam was standing at the edge of the bed buckling up his belt. He looked over, saw that I was awake, then looked at Matt.
“Later.” He brushed his fingers through his hair and disappeared from the room.
I just stayed in the bed blinking for a second while Matt moved around the room cleaning things up a bit.
“Drinking makes people weird.” I said after a few long moments. Then I fell back asleep.
The next time I woke up Chris was gone as well and Matt was up playing video games will the volume turned way low. I rolled out of bed and seized my school bag, digging out my deodorant and my clothes from the day before.
“Look,” Matt said suddenly. “I don’t want Chris to give you any ideas. Just do yourself a favour and don’t let yourself fall for him.” I tossed my clothes on the bed and applied my deodorant.
“I’m not falling for him.” I said groggily, because I figured it was the appropriate thing to say.
“Good.” Matt answered. “He doesn’t get that way often, but I’ve seen it a couple times.”
And then slowly I remembered how his arms were around me this morning and everything from the night before.
“Get what way? Gay?” Matt snorted.
“No. Chris isn’t gay. He’s affectionate, yeah. But when it comes to sex he’s all about the girls. That’s why I said don’t fall for him. He’s selfish.”
“Are you speaking from experience?”
“Nah. He’s never tried it with me, and I wouldn’t let him. I’m not as comfortable around other guys as he is, but then again he wasn’t raised to be afraid of it like I was. Me and my brother weren’t even allowed to hug each other with my dad around. The guy himself never so much as shook my hand.”
I realized that I wasn’t paying much attention because my head felt like a giant cotton ball. I was mostly wishing that Matt would just stop talking.
“You'll see it sometimes, Chris even gets that way when he's sober. Him and Adam always sleep in the same bed.”
I raised my eyebrows.
"Adam doesn't seem like he'd be very into that."
"He's very into it. He just likes to put on a show, he hardly ever lets himself relax. He thinks he has to put on a front or everyone will ignore him. He's actually a pretty warm and fuzzy guy, just that the girls that chase after him are always intimidated by how he acts. And he's too embarrassed to ask for it."
I couldn't help but laugh.
"It's hard to imagine Adam being shy about anything."
"Oh trust me, I know. Chris wouldn't go near him until we were about fourteen. They used to hate each other, actually."
"How come?"
"Adam hated Chris because Chris never pretends, and he was envious. Chris just hated Adam because he acts like a tool." I laughed again.
"Anyway, I just wanted to make sure Chris wasn't putting any ideas in your head. I'm assuming I don't need to say anything on the subject of Mr. Cross."
“So you’re saying I should fall for you instead?” I joked. Matt let out a short laugh.
“Oh, god no. I’d be the worst of them all.”
Matt and I played video games for about an hour, but I wasn’t able to focus. After dying a dozen times I told him I thought it was time to return home. I got dressed, gathered up my stuff, and took off. The walk seemed to take ten times as long as usual.
When I got home I scribbled a note for my mom and went to my room to play some video games and sleep some more. I heard a knock on my door around 4pm and my mother telling me that supper was ready.
“We’re just having soup. I wasn’t sure what your stomach could handle.” She told me.
“Soup is fine. My stomach is fine, but soup is fine.”
As we ate, I told my mother what happened with Chris, and Adam’s mood, and what Matt had said regarding each. She gave me a funny look and then sipped a spoonful of soup.
“Your friends are weird.”
“I keep telling them that, and they don't believe me.” I shrugged. She paused for a moment.
“Will you be mad at Chris?” she asked. I stared at my soup.
“I would be mad," she continued. "That’s not really fair.”
“I’m not that mad. It was just a little startling, is all.”
As I sat struggling to lift up my spoon I started to realize that maybe I had lied to Matt earlier. Maybe I was starting to feel something for Chris, only to have everything pulled out from under me as soon as the feelings began.
“And what about that Adam guy? Are you mad at him?”
“He’s not really homophobic. I know we haven’t been friends for very long, but I am at least sure of that much. Like Matt said, I guess he just gets in weird moods sometimes and tries to tick people off on purpose.” My mom shook her head.
“You shouldn’t let him get away with it.” She said sternly.
"I don't, promise. I tell him off when he goes too far."
"Kind of." I added in my mind.
After supper I returned to my room. I sat on the floor, playing with my phone and staring into space. My phone buzzed a couple times but I didn’t check who was texting, the prior conversation of the day had worm me out. It hadn’t been much conversation, but it had given me a few things to think about. And I felt like I really should spend some time thinking about them.
After a few more minutes my phone started to ring and I told my phone to go away. I looked at the call display and saw that it was Chris. I didn’t answer. Once it stopped ringing I got another text – also Chris. It said “Pick up, please?” and then my phone started ringing again. I put my head down on my knees and pressed the “talk” button.
“Hello?” I said.
“Hey.” Chris said back softly. “What’s up?”
We talked about a whole lot of nothing for a few minutes which was very irritating, because Chris kept sighing heavily into my ear.
“Alright,” I said finally. “Can we just talk about this? So you can stop hyperventilating in slow motion?”
“I’m an asshole.” He offered immediately.
“What makes you say that?” I said with great wonder.
“I’m kind of needy sometimes. I feel really bad that I might have... given you the wrong idea.”
“You didn't seem concerned about it at the time.” It felt like a low blow, but now that we were talking about it I realized how frustrated I was.
"I do feel really bad."
I leaned sideways and let myself flop onto the floor. Then I just lay there curled up with my phone against my ear.
“I wasn’t thinking about it, at the time. I cuddle up with Adam sometimes, and I just never took into consideration that your situation would be... different.”
"Hey, it's not like you're exactly irresistible." I meant it as a joke but I could hear my irritation all through my voice as I said it. I apologized.
“It wasn’t that bad.” I said. “It just messed me up a little bit. I let myself get carried away.”
“Awh, it wasn't your fault. You told us a while ago you've never been with a guy at all before. I can understand how it must have been. It's not your fault if some small part of you was hopeful that you finally had someone who felt that way about you. You can't help how you feel.” Chris said, attempting to assure me.
“Yeah, I can’t help that I’m pathetic. Just a lonely queer who starts falling for his friends.”
“Come on, Dylon. I’m the one that got carried away, you know that.”
“People are allowed to show affection for their friends, there's nothing wrong with that.”
“Yes, but people generally don’t wrap their 98% naked selves around their friends and fall asleep on top of them.”
“Lucky me.” I said, and then I sighed. “I’m sorry, I’m making you feel worse.”
“Well, why shouldn’t you.” Chris replied.
“I don’t want to. It's not you I'm frustrated with, it's myself. You just wanted to feel close to someone, right? Well, I can’t fault you for that. I’m pretty familiar with the feeling.” He didn’t say anything for quite some time, and I wasn’t sure where else to go with the conversation.
“I'm a really physical person. I care a lot about my friends and I wanted to show you that I was comfortable with you, and that I'm glad to have you around. You're a good guy, Dylon. But... I should have talked to you about it first, I think.”
"I don't think it would have made a difference, really. I would have gone through this no matter what." I rolled over onto my back and put my free arm under my head and Chris apologized again.
“Look, you just wanted to cuddle. It’s not a big deal. That’s all I wanted, too. I didn’t want to have sex with you. I didn’t want to be your boyfriend. Like I said, I just got a little mixed up. I started thinking maybe it could be more than it was. But it can’t, and that’s fine. You’re a good friend. I like having you as just a friend.”
“Okay,” he breathed.
"But... I wouldn't really mind if it happened again. Now that we've got everything sorted out. If you think you'd be okay with that."
"Definitely."
I found myself smiling. The little knots that had tied themselves up around my brain started coming loose.
“Though next time try not to have your boner pressed against my leg all night, okay?” I requested. He was so embarrassed that he burst out laughing.
“Oh, shit. I didn’t even think about that.”
We talked for a couple more minutes, relieved but ultimately not having much more to discuss. Then we said goodbye and I hung up and I went back to reminding myself how stupid I was.
Uncertain Terms Pt.3
When we got to Matt’s place I followed Adam in through the front door to
shed my shoes and follow him upstairs. There was no gathering of snacks
this time which I found slightly disappointing; I had been half-hoping
that Adam would have to bend over to get something out of a low cupboard
and I could sneak a quick peek.
“Right,” said a little voice in my head. “Objectifying the hot straight guy. That's super dignified of you.”
Ignoring the voice I braced myself for the possibility of seeing jiggling lady bits (or whatever it is that they do) when we opened the bedroom door, but all I ended up seeing was someone getting their head punched off. I also saw why we hadn’t stopped for snacks in the kitchen – a feast had already been set out for us.
Furniture had been moved around slightly, and some old plastic milk crates had been set down on the floor with a little piece of wood laid on top. An enormous pizza with at least four types of meat and no vegetables sat in the middle surrounded by an assortment of bowls. Several contained different kinds of chips, and a couple were heaping with potato wedges. Two more were piled up with chicken wings, and scattered around were half a dozen little cups of ranch dressing. The case of pop that had been provided on previous occasions had been replaced by a large blue cooler filled with ice and several six-packs of beer, and they had even provided a recycling bin for the cans.
“Christ,” I muttered. “Next time my mother sees me will be at the morgue.”
“If you pass out I’ll sit on your stomach and make you throw up.” Adam offered.
A sudden thought struck me of something else I'd like him to sit on, but I just shook my head.
"He's not interested," I reminded myself. "You're just going to drive yourself crazy."
Adam seemed completely oblivious to the obvious sexual innuendo that could be made from his comment, or considering his personality it was possible he just didn’t care. I wondered if I might be brave enough to say something out loud to him one day, then quickly decided it would probably not happen for a very long time.
Chris was not seated at the computer doing his mystery deeds today, instead he was laying shirtless on the floor with the bottom half of his torso stuck under Matt’s bed. Matt was in the computer chair which had been positioned between the bed and the main tv.
“Help yourself to your cardiac arrest.” Matt said, feverishly tapping on the controller in his hand. I wondered which one of them had been decapitated earlier but then decided pizza was more important.
“Go whoever.” I picked up a piece and bit into it, struggling to keep the entire mass of toppings from all slipping off at once. Adam came over and grabbed a bowl of chips off the table before launching himself into the beanbag chair across from Matt. Chris wiggled out from under the bed and started edging toward the snack table, trying to keep up his button mashing as he did so.
Glad for the opportunity to sit down without having to worry about breaking someone’s back, I perched myself on top of the bed. Matt and Chris’s fight ended a few seconds later and I guessed from the string of curses that Chris was the one that ended up getting brutalized this time.
“Hey Chris, serve us a round.” Matt instructed, but his former opponent just glared at him.
“Dude, you’re sitting right next to the cooler.”
“Yeah.” Matt replied. “Sitting.”
Chris reluctantly set out to deliver a can of beer to everyone, neglecting to ask me whether or not I actually drank beer. Which I didn’t, but now that there was more than one person around who expected me to drink I was feeling much less defiant. Once his duty was done he climbed up on the bed and sat behind me, against the headboard. It was here that we were all met with a dilemma - what to do with pizza while we opened the cans.
“Asshole.” Matt said to Chris. “I told you to remind me to bring plates up when we got in.”
“Oh, whatever.” Chris replied. “Your forgetting isn’t my problem.”
“Well” Adam interjected. “Unless you wanna juggle your food or get up every five seconds, it kind of is.”
For the moment everyone was too lazy to actually go and do anything about the predicament, so the drinks were left unopened as we munched on pizza and the other boys played a game of "who would you rather sleep with." I was quite content to be left out of the entertainment, so I was very disappointed when Adam announced his plans to include me.
"I don't even want to imagine what kind of choices you'd think up for me." I shook my head.
"Which of us three?" He put his bowl of chips down on the floor and turned to face me more.
"I'm not answering that."
"Oh, come on. It's just for fun. Do you want us to show you our cocks first?"
"No, thank you." I took another bite of my pizza but Adam was staring expectantly at me and Matt kept glancing over. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Chris was trying not to look over but he had stopped eating. I knew my answer of course, but the last thing I wanted to do at the moment was feed Adam's ego.
"Is 'all three at once' an acceptable answer?" I grinned. Chris whipped his head around so fast he almost fell off the bed, and Matt sat stunned. Adam laughed.
"No, I don't think that's allowed." I snapped my fingers.
"Rats."
Everyone was quiet for a moment while Chris and Matt recovered and I felt pleased with myself for catching them off guard.
"What sort of stuff are you into, besides orgies?" Adam prodded. Now I was genuinely irritated.
"Okay. New game." Matt opened his mouth to say something but Adam cut him off.
"It's not a big deal, Dylon. We've all talked about this stuff before."
"Well I don't talk about it, okay?"
Matt and Chris exchanged looks while Adam and I stared each other down. I heard Chris clear his throat.
"Adam, let's go get those plates now."
"Right."
Once they had left I became very interested in a spot on the carpet and silently begged Adam not to say anything. It didn't work.
"Look, I'm sorry I ticked you off. But you really don't have to be so shy around us. You told me a few days ago I'm more comfortable with your sexuality than you are. I've seen Chris sleep in the same bed with bi guys at parties. And it was Matt's idea to invite you to hang out with us in the first place. We don't care that you like guys, Dylon."
"It's not about me liking guys. I just don't like talking about sex, okay?"
"Are you embarrassed about being a virgin? Because me and Matt are too."
"What? No! I mean... I'm not..." I had finished my pizza and now I was desperately wishing I had something to distract myself with. Adam blinked at me.
"Oh. I thought you said..."
"I haven't been with a guy. I just came out of the closet a month ago."
"Oh. Right."
We sat in silence for a moment. Then I sat bolt upright and looked him in the eye for the first time that evening.
"Wait, what? You're a virgin?" To my surprise Adam actually blushed.
"Not that anyone would believe it if I said so. I guess you don't, either."
"Sorry. That's not fair." He shrugged. "I believe you, of course I do. We're friends right?"
"Thanks."
I was just starting to feel all warm and fuzzy inside when Adam reverted back to his regular self, as if on cue.
"So it was actually me you want to sleep with, right? That's why you wouldn't answer."
"Fuck off." I threw one of Matt's pillows at his head and he caught it.
"Chris and Matt are handsome guys. But come on." He indicated himself. "Even they would jump on this if I gave them the chance."
"Uh-huh. I'm sure they'd be honoured." I turned around to reach for another pillow to throw at him but he threw the first one back and hit me in the back of the head.
"It's so nice to have someone around who understands." He sat himself back in the chair and I glared at him.
"What's taking those two so long, anyway."
"Maybe you got them all riled up talking about that foursome and they're down there fucking." I gasped.
"And not even letting me watch! Those jerks!"
"I bet we have time," he said. "You wanna watch me masturbate?"
The door opened up just in time for the two other guys to see a pillow fly across the room and smack Adam in the face.
"Glad to see you've made up," Matt said.
Plates and paper towels were set out on the makeshift table and we all loaded up on as much greasy food as we could carry, then returned to our previous positions. We all cracked open our first cans of beer in unison and I had my very first taste of alcohol. I stuck out my tongue and Adam looked at me with a very amused expression.
"How is it?" he asked.
"Foul," I said. He took a deep gulp of his own drink and smacked his lips.
"Yep. That's beer for you."
And with that, our night had officially begun.
“Right,” said a little voice in my head. “Objectifying the hot straight guy. That's super dignified of you.”
Ignoring the voice I braced myself for the possibility of seeing jiggling lady bits (or whatever it is that they do) when we opened the bedroom door, but all I ended up seeing was someone getting their head punched off. I also saw why we hadn’t stopped for snacks in the kitchen – a feast had already been set out for us.
Furniture had been moved around slightly, and some old plastic milk crates had been set down on the floor with a little piece of wood laid on top. An enormous pizza with at least four types of meat and no vegetables sat in the middle surrounded by an assortment of bowls. Several contained different kinds of chips, and a couple were heaping with potato wedges. Two more were piled up with chicken wings, and scattered around were half a dozen little cups of ranch dressing. The case of pop that had been provided on previous occasions had been replaced by a large blue cooler filled with ice and several six-packs of beer, and they had even provided a recycling bin for the cans.
“Christ,” I muttered. “Next time my mother sees me will be at the morgue.”
“If you pass out I’ll sit on your stomach and make you throw up.” Adam offered.
A sudden thought struck me of something else I'd like him to sit on, but I just shook my head.
"He's not interested," I reminded myself. "You're just going to drive yourself crazy."
Adam seemed completely oblivious to the obvious sexual innuendo that could be made from his comment, or considering his personality it was possible he just didn’t care. I wondered if I might be brave enough to say something out loud to him one day, then quickly decided it would probably not happen for a very long time.
Chris was not seated at the computer doing his mystery deeds today, instead he was laying shirtless on the floor with the bottom half of his torso stuck under Matt’s bed. Matt was in the computer chair which had been positioned between the bed and the main tv.
“Help yourself to your cardiac arrest.” Matt said, feverishly tapping on the controller in his hand. I wondered which one of them had been decapitated earlier but then decided pizza was more important.
“Go whoever.” I picked up a piece and bit into it, struggling to keep the entire mass of toppings from all slipping off at once. Adam came over and grabbed a bowl of chips off the table before launching himself into the beanbag chair across from Matt. Chris wiggled out from under the bed and started edging toward the snack table, trying to keep up his button mashing as he did so.
Glad for the opportunity to sit down without having to worry about breaking someone’s back, I perched myself on top of the bed. Matt and Chris’s fight ended a few seconds later and I guessed from the string of curses that Chris was the one that ended up getting brutalized this time.
“Hey Chris, serve us a round.” Matt instructed, but his former opponent just glared at him.
“Dude, you’re sitting right next to the cooler.”
“Yeah.” Matt replied. “Sitting.”
Chris reluctantly set out to deliver a can of beer to everyone, neglecting to ask me whether or not I actually drank beer. Which I didn’t, but now that there was more than one person around who expected me to drink I was feeling much less defiant. Once his duty was done he climbed up on the bed and sat behind me, against the headboard. It was here that we were all met with a dilemma - what to do with pizza while we opened the cans.
“Asshole.” Matt said to Chris. “I told you to remind me to bring plates up when we got in.”
“Oh, whatever.” Chris replied. “Your forgetting isn’t my problem.”
“Well” Adam interjected. “Unless you wanna juggle your food or get up every five seconds, it kind of is.”
For the moment everyone was too lazy to actually go and do anything about the predicament, so the drinks were left unopened as we munched on pizza and the other boys played a game of "who would you rather sleep with." I was quite content to be left out of the entertainment, so I was very disappointed when Adam announced his plans to include me.
"I don't even want to imagine what kind of choices you'd think up for me." I shook my head.
"Which of us three?" He put his bowl of chips down on the floor and turned to face me more.
"I'm not answering that."
"Oh, come on. It's just for fun. Do you want us to show you our cocks first?"
"No, thank you." I took another bite of my pizza but Adam was staring expectantly at me and Matt kept glancing over. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Chris was trying not to look over but he had stopped eating. I knew my answer of course, but the last thing I wanted to do at the moment was feed Adam's ego.
"Is 'all three at once' an acceptable answer?" I grinned. Chris whipped his head around so fast he almost fell off the bed, and Matt sat stunned. Adam laughed.
"No, I don't think that's allowed." I snapped my fingers.
"Rats."
Everyone was quiet for a moment while Chris and Matt recovered and I felt pleased with myself for catching them off guard.
"What sort of stuff are you into, besides orgies?" Adam prodded. Now I was genuinely irritated.
"Okay. New game." Matt opened his mouth to say something but Adam cut him off.
"It's not a big deal, Dylon. We've all talked about this stuff before."
"Well I don't talk about it, okay?"
Matt and Chris exchanged looks while Adam and I stared each other down. I heard Chris clear his throat.
"Adam, let's go get those plates now."
"Right."
Once they had left I became very interested in a spot on the carpet and silently begged Adam not to say anything. It didn't work.
"Look, I'm sorry I ticked you off. But you really don't have to be so shy around us. You told me a few days ago I'm more comfortable with your sexuality than you are. I've seen Chris sleep in the same bed with bi guys at parties. And it was Matt's idea to invite you to hang out with us in the first place. We don't care that you like guys, Dylon."
"It's not about me liking guys. I just don't like talking about sex, okay?"
"Are you embarrassed about being a virgin? Because me and Matt are too."
"What? No! I mean... I'm not..." I had finished my pizza and now I was desperately wishing I had something to distract myself with. Adam blinked at me.
"Oh. I thought you said..."
"I haven't been with a guy. I just came out of the closet a month ago."
"Oh. Right."
We sat in silence for a moment. Then I sat bolt upright and looked him in the eye for the first time that evening.
"Wait, what? You're a virgin?" To my surprise Adam actually blushed.
"Not that anyone would believe it if I said so. I guess you don't, either."
"Sorry. That's not fair." He shrugged. "I believe you, of course I do. We're friends right?"
"Thanks."
I was just starting to feel all warm and fuzzy inside when Adam reverted back to his regular self, as if on cue.
"So it was actually me you want to sleep with, right? That's why you wouldn't answer."
"Fuck off." I threw one of Matt's pillows at his head and he caught it.
"Chris and Matt are handsome guys. But come on." He indicated himself. "Even they would jump on this if I gave them the chance."
"Uh-huh. I'm sure they'd be honoured." I turned around to reach for another pillow to throw at him but he threw the first one back and hit me in the back of the head.
"It's so nice to have someone around who understands." He sat himself back in the chair and I glared at him.
"What's taking those two so long, anyway."
"Maybe you got them all riled up talking about that foursome and they're down there fucking." I gasped.
"And not even letting me watch! Those jerks!"
"I bet we have time," he said. "You wanna watch me masturbate?"
The door opened up just in time for the two other guys to see a pillow fly across the room and smack Adam in the face.
"Glad to see you've made up," Matt said.
Plates and paper towels were set out on the makeshift table and we all loaded up on as much greasy food as we could carry, then returned to our previous positions. We all cracked open our first cans of beer in unison and I had my very first taste of alcohol. I stuck out my tongue and Adam looked at me with a very amused expression.
"How is it?" he asked.
"Foul," I said. He took a deep gulp of his own drink and smacked his lips.
"Yep. That's beer for you."
And with that, our night had officially begun.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Uncertain Terms, Pt.2
It turned out to become a semi-regular thing. We had exchanged cell
phone numbers, so once a week someone would text me and ask me to come
over on such-and-such a day. As I got more comfortable around the group I
started talking more and asking more questions about the other guys’
lives outside of Matt’s bedroom. The one day they asked me what had
happened with my old group of “friends”. All they knew were the vague
details obviously.
“Well, I came out to Sarah and Tyler first. Because they were the ones I spent the most time with, I guess.”
“And they freaked out?” Chris asked. I shrugged.
“Not right away. Sarah was just kind of quiet and tried to pretend she was fine with it. Tyler asked me if I was going to try to fuck him.”
“Did you want to?” came from Adam, of course.
“Hell no. We went skinny dipping a few summers ago for his birthday. His dick is shaped like a candy cane.”
“So they just waited until the shock wore off to freak out?” Chris pressed on.
“Nope. I just came to school one day, and everyone knew, and no one would talk to me.”
“Wow. Backstabbing little shits.” Adam said, shaking his head.
“It’s no big deal, like I said they were bad friends from the start. I can kind of see why they spazzed out though.”
“I can’t.” Matt replied.
“Well, you guys all know about me. But you knew before you even met me. What if you’d grown up with me, and you knew that I had seen you naked before? What if you were suddenly wondering one day if your best friend had ever thought of you as more than a friend?”
“I’d talk to him.” Chris said firmly. “Not flip shit and tell the whole school.”
“Maybe. But some people couldn’t handle it if it was true, so they’d rather pretend they already believe it and not have to think about it long enough to get the facts. They just pass their verdict and move on and keep it out of their head at all costs.”
“You’ve thought about it a lot for something that doesn’t bug you.” Adam pointed out. “And it’s still a massive pile of horse shit. You don’t do that to someone, you just don’t. Say you don’t want to be friends if you don’t wanna be friends. You’re still an asshole, but own up to being an asshole.”
"Like you do, Adam?" I said sweetly.
"Why, yes." he answered. "In fact, everyone should be more like me."
We all stopped for a moment to contemplate the horror of a world filled with Adams. I soon got distracted however, appreciating the way these guys were sticking up for me.
“Well anyway, thank you guys. Who knew Adam was such a nice guy.” I said wonderingly.
“And why shouldn’t I be?” he wondered, raising his eyebrows and smirking at me.
“Well, I’m not calling you heartless prick or anything. But you’ve been in a couple of my classes before, and the reason you stood out wasn’t exactly for your good will toward others. You’ve always seemed to be quite aloof and careless. From what I’ve heard.”
“That’s just my alter ego.” Adam mused. “I’m actually really deep.” Chris snorted.
“Oh yes. We say all the time he’s our favourite foul-mouthed philosopher, right Matt?”
“For sure. A dozen times a day.” Matt said back. The two of them laughed, but I looked over at Adam and for a second we made eye contact. Maybe it wasn’t such a funny thought, after all. Surely there was more to the class clown than what was on the surface, just like everyone else. I made a mental note to pay more attention.
Then Adam smirked at me and flicked his tongue in a suggestive way and I flipped him off. I made another mental note not to have such a focused gaze while I was paying more attention.
Paying attention didn’t go so well over the following week. We’d last hung out on Thursday, and my mother and I went out of town for the weekend to visit her mom and dad. It wasn’t until Tuesday night when I was wondering why I hadn’t gotten a text from one of the guys yet that I realized I had left my phone with my grandparents. Then I tried to call one of them and realized I didn’t know any of their cell numbers by heart.
My mother suggested I look in the phone book, but I didn’t know anyone’s last name except Adam’s – none of the numbers I called had an Adam who lived at their house. Her next suggestion was that I call my grandmother and try to get her to find one of the numbers in my phone for me. I told her I didn’t want to put the poor woman through the trials of navigating my newfangled technological device, but really I just didn’t want to have to tell her that my password to unlock the keypad was “cockandballs”.
Every day when I left for school I told myself that I would march into the cafeteria at lunch time pretending there wasn’t seven hundred people staring at me, sit down with them and casually explain what had happened. Then every day when I was excused from my second class, I practically ran to the art room with my tail between my legs, where I spent the next 45 minutes mentally insulting myself and taking my frustrations out on my defenseless lunch items.
I had never been comfortable eating in such a large group of people, even before I had come out. It always seemed like much more exposure than was necessary. The art room was quiet, and safe. People just let me sit and doodle, or write, or take 45 minutes to eat a single sandwich while listening to music on my mp3 player. At least some of the days recently I had been able to send a couple texts back in forth with one or two of my new friends. Now I wasn’t quite sure what to do without my phone, even though I’d gone all that time beforehand not using it at all.
It wasn’t until the following Wednesday that I made contact with the group again, and it wasn’t because I had finally grown a pair and gone to see them at lunch. I was in the upstairs bathroom during my after-lunch class, and Adam just happened to stroll in. To my horror, he walked right over to me while I was taking a piss and put his elbow up on my shoulder, staring right into my face. He seemed a bit awkward but I was guessing it had nothing to do with the fact that he was staring at me while I had my dick in my hand.
“Are you ignoring me?” he asked.
“No.” I answered. “And if you don’t back the hell up, I am going to punch you in the face.”
“Are you ignoring Matt and Chris?” he said, unfazed.
“No I am not ignoring any of you, and if you do not give me some space I will punch you, and I will not wipe my hands off first.”
“Sexy.” He replied, but he went and sat on the counter between the two sinks.
“So what’s up, then?” he continued.
I finished emptying my bladder and tried to tuck myself away out of his line of sight. I came over to the sink, and while I was washing my hands I explained to him about my lost phone and the phone book and my password.
“Oh yeah, the number's under my mom's last name. But are you serious? You made your password ‘cockandballs’?”
“Oh, bite me.” I replied.
“Tell me where.” He said back. I turned and flicked water into his face.
“You never say stuff like that to Matt and Chris.” I pointed out. He rolled his eyes.
“Duh, they’re not gay. That particular method of banter gets old pretty quick. But I can tell it gets to you, so with you it’s fun.”
This made me want to punch him again but then I realized I was smiling. He had the most peculiarly endearing way of being an asshole. Suddenly his face dropped and a little flag went up in the back of my mind. ‘Pay attention’ something said.
“Do you think I’m homophobic?”
I blinked at him.
“Um, hi. Two minutes ago you were standing and watching me pee. I’m pretty sure you’re more comfortable with my sexuality than I am.”
“And I’m not leading you on, right?” he added. I turned the taps off and didn’t move for a second. I had been pretty sure he was straight all along of course. Admittedly I had been letting myself daydream a bit, because you never really know, right? There's more to sexuality than stereotypes. But I guess now I did know. If not about his sexuality, then at the very least he wasn’t interested in me specifically. I shrugged and went over to grab a couple sheets of paper towel.
“Nah, it’s all in good fun. No worries.”
I thought I heard him sigh in relief and then it occurred to me to ask a question of my own.
“So um, did you have business to take care of, or did you just follow me in here to watch me pee?” He shrugged and jumped off the counter.
“I was just gonna jack off in one of the stalls, but it can wait till I get home.”
I shook my head. I still found it so bizarre the way him and his friends talked so openly about that kind of thing. I got embarrassed just hearing it; if I said anything like that to someone I probably wouldn’t ever be able to look them in the face again.
“Well, sorry to interrupt.” Was the only reply I could think of.
“It’s okay, I can never get off in the bathrooms anyway. Smells funny.”
He walked over to the door and opened it, motioning for me to go first. On my way past he flicked me on the side of the head.
“And get your ass over to Matt’s on Friday, would you? Bring your booze gut, if you smell like puke you sleep outside.”
It turned out I wasn’t given much choice in the matter, as Adam showed up at my door again on Friday night. I made a quick check before I opened the door to make sure I wasn’t wearing the exact same clothes I had been the last time he saw me. I didn’t own very many clothes, but as far as I could remember I had managed to pick out a different outfit, so I went and opened up the door.
“You almost ready?” he asked.
“Almost.” I said simply.
“Cool. Get your shit, let’s go.” I turned around to go to my bedroom and noticed that he kicked off his shoes and followed me down the hallway.
“Is your mummy cool with you spending the night?” Something in his tone gave me the impression that he wasn’t making fun of me, but wanted to seem like he was.
“Yeah.” I said with masterful indifference, opening the door to my room and wandering around stuffing a few things into my school bag. “I just gotta leave her a note before I take off, she’s working late tonight.”
When I turned around he was standing in my open doorway, leaning against the frame and inspecting the horrible mess that I lived in. Articles of clothing were flung all over my floor and on top of my tv and everywhere else. A couple t-shirts had been used to clean up my “personal” messes, and I severely hoped he wouldn’t be able to pick out such fine details from the doorway. I started looking around myself. I started to notice for the first time that it was pretty plain, even considering the disorder. I didn’t have anything on the walls, and besides the tv and bed there wasn’t much in there.
I was starting to get really self-conscious about my bedroom so I just grabbed my deodorant and a couple other basic things and shoved them into my school bag as quick as I could.
“Huh.” Adam said when he saw I was done, then turned and started walking back to the door.
“What,” I said, following him out. “You expected posters of naked guys everywhere?”
“Maybe just one or two.” He said seriously.
“I’m sure sex is nice and all, but I’m not obsessed with guys. They’re just kind of there. And some of them are hot.”
“You’re ‘sure’? You mean you’ve never done it?” he answered.
“Uh, no. Who the hell would I even do it with?”
This was a rhetorical question, but he answered it anyway.
“I can name at least ten guys at our school who would let you suck their cock. Give me till Monday, I can get you their numbers.”
“I’m good, thanks.” I said, telling myself after that maybe I could at least ask him for the names when he was drunk, and with any luck he wouldn’t remember.
“What does your mom do?” was his next question.
“Oh god, you’re not going to ask me to hook you up with her are you?” I asked, thinking that would be a hilarious reason for him to have started hanging out with me.
“Don’t be weird. I never understand why guys got off on that stuff. I just wanna know what the suit’s for.”
“Oh. She’s just a secretary, but she has to look really proper about it. She doesn’t make as much money as it looks like, and it’s just her and me here.” I said, trying not to sound too pathetic about it. I really didn’t mind.
“Where’s your dad?”
“Jail.”
“Shit, man. You can have mine.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant by that so I didn’t laugh, and didn’t say anything in reply. I wasn’t really in the mood to be prying his life story out of him, though he seemed to have morphed into a fountain of curiosity.
“Do you drink beer?” was the next question. At least this one had some relevance. Too bad it was the only question I didn’t know how to answer. My old group had never invited me to parties.
“Whatever.” He said after a silent moment. “You do tonight.”
I stopped walking abruptly and he turned to look at me, eyes set and prepared to roll. I probably shouldn’t make a fuss over his attempts to include me, but I still had the small suspicion that at any moment it could all be revealed to be some prank. I felt like if I could return to a life of rejection on my own terms, somehow that made me the winner.
“I’ll drink if I feel like it.” I told him bluntly.
“Fine.” He said. “You do tonight, if you want to.”
At that point he nearly sent me into a panic attack by walking back toward me and putting his arm over my shoulder, slowly steering me toward Matt's house.
“Hustle, dear Dylon. When they get bored they have a habit of using the TV’s to watch two pornos at once. If they break your poor little mind I don’t stand a chance at those stupid games they make me play.”
“Wait, what? You guys actually watch porn together?” I asked, feeling kind of uncomfortable under his arm. I briefly considered why this was and accused myself of thinking it might suddenly transform into a giant tentacle that he was going to violate me with. I had to try really hard not to laugh out loud, I really didn’t feel like explaining that thought.
Were other guys really that obsessed with sex? I mean sure, I had heard some of the girls I hung out with complain about guys a lot, but I didn’t think it was actually true.
“Awh, come on. Don’t be such a kid. It’s just another movie genre isn’t it? We watch superhero movies too.”
“It’s freaking weird.” I said, trying to blink my surprise away.
“Get over it,” he groaned. He took his arm off my shoulders and started walking backwards so we were face-to-face. “It’s not a big deal. Sometimes you like to see explosions and gunfire. Sometimes you wanna see a naked chick with a dick in her.”
I opened my mouth to reply but he laughed and corrected himself.
“Well okay, not you, but you know what I mean. Besides, we don’t jack off every time a pair of tits pops onto the screen. We’re not sex crazed zombies, but we’re certainly not ashamed to like what we like. If you're not into it that’s cool, we don’t have to do it with you around. But we do it with each other, and it’s not ‘freaking weird’.”
“Okidoke.” Was the best answer I could come up with. I hadn’t expected such a defensive answer. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the way these guys dealt with a subject that made me so nervous. I had always believed that it should be a private matter. And it didn’t hurt to treat it with a bit of dignity, either. But I kept those particular opinions to myself.
Suddenly he slowed down, but I didn't think much of it until I was walking past him and he gave my ass a ferocious smack. It was only at the last second I was able to choke down my shout of surprise.
"Giddyup, we'll be late."
"I hate you so much." I thought to myself, turning a hundred shades of pink and red. "I hope you fall asleep before me so I can kill you."
“Well, I came out to Sarah and Tyler first. Because they were the ones I spent the most time with, I guess.”
“And they freaked out?” Chris asked. I shrugged.
“Not right away. Sarah was just kind of quiet and tried to pretend she was fine with it. Tyler asked me if I was going to try to fuck him.”
“Did you want to?” came from Adam, of course.
“Hell no. We went skinny dipping a few summers ago for his birthday. His dick is shaped like a candy cane.”
“So they just waited until the shock wore off to freak out?” Chris pressed on.
“Nope. I just came to school one day, and everyone knew, and no one would talk to me.”
“Wow. Backstabbing little shits.” Adam said, shaking his head.
“It’s no big deal, like I said they were bad friends from the start. I can kind of see why they spazzed out though.”
“I can’t.” Matt replied.
“Well, you guys all know about me. But you knew before you even met me. What if you’d grown up with me, and you knew that I had seen you naked before? What if you were suddenly wondering one day if your best friend had ever thought of you as more than a friend?”
“I’d talk to him.” Chris said firmly. “Not flip shit and tell the whole school.”
“Maybe. But some people couldn’t handle it if it was true, so they’d rather pretend they already believe it and not have to think about it long enough to get the facts. They just pass their verdict and move on and keep it out of their head at all costs.”
“You’ve thought about it a lot for something that doesn’t bug you.” Adam pointed out. “And it’s still a massive pile of horse shit. You don’t do that to someone, you just don’t. Say you don’t want to be friends if you don’t wanna be friends. You’re still an asshole, but own up to being an asshole.”
"Like you do, Adam?" I said sweetly.
"Why, yes." he answered. "In fact, everyone should be more like me."
We all stopped for a moment to contemplate the horror of a world filled with Adams. I soon got distracted however, appreciating the way these guys were sticking up for me.
“Well anyway, thank you guys. Who knew Adam was such a nice guy.” I said wonderingly.
“And why shouldn’t I be?” he wondered, raising his eyebrows and smirking at me.
“Well, I’m not calling you heartless prick or anything. But you’ve been in a couple of my classes before, and the reason you stood out wasn’t exactly for your good will toward others. You’ve always seemed to be quite aloof and careless. From what I’ve heard.”
“That’s just my alter ego.” Adam mused. “I’m actually really deep.” Chris snorted.
“Oh yes. We say all the time he’s our favourite foul-mouthed philosopher, right Matt?”
“For sure. A dozen times a day.” Matt said back. The two of them laughed, but I looked over at Adam and for a second we made eye contact. Maybe it wasn’t such a funny thought, after all. Surely there was more to the class clown than what was on the surface, just like everyone else. I made a mental note to pay more attention.
Then Adam smirked at me and flicked his tongue in a suggestive way and I flipped him off. I made another mental note not to have such a focused gaze while I was paying more attention.
Paying attention didn’t go so well over the following week. We’d last hung out on Thursday, and my mother and I went out of town for the weekend to visit her mom and dad. It wasn’t until Tuesday night when I was wondering why I hadn’t gotten a text from one of the guys yet that I realized I had left my phone with my grandparents. Then I tried to call one of them and realized I didn’t know any of their cell numbers by heart.
My mother suggested I look in the phone book, but I didn’t know anyone’s last name except Adam’s – none of the numbers I called had an Adam who lived at their house. Her next suggestion was that I call my grandmother and try to get her to find one of the numbers in my phone for me. I told her I didn’t want to put the poor woman through the trials of navigating my newfangled technological device, but really I just didn’t want to have to tell her that my password to unlock the keypad was “cockandballs”.
Every day when I left for school I told myself that I would march into the cafeteria at lunch time pretending there wasn’t seven hundred people staring at me, sit down with them and casually explain what had happened. Then every day when I was excused from my second class, I practically ran to the art room with my tail between my legs, where I spent the next 45 minutes mentally insulting myself and taking my frustrations out on my defenseless lunch items.
I had never been comfortable eating in such a large group of people, even before I had come out. It always seemed like much more exposure than was necessary. The art room was quiet, and safe. People just let me sit and doodle, or write, or take 45 minutes to eat a single sandwich while listening to music on my mp3 player. At least some of the days recently I had been able to send a couple texts back in forth with one or two of my new friends. Now I wasn’t quite sure what to do without my phone, even though I’d gone all that time beforehand not using it at all.
It wasn’t until the following Wednesday that I made contact with the group again, and it wasn’t because I had finally grown a pair and gone to see them at lunch. I was in the upstairs bathroom during my after-lunch class, and Adam just happened to stroll in. To my horror, he walked right over to me while I was taking a piss and put his elbow up on my shoulder, staring right into my face. He seemed a bit awkward but I was guessing it had nothing to do with the fact that he was staring at me while I had my dick in my hand.
“Are you ignoring me?” he asked.
“No.” I answered. “And if you don’t back the hell up, I am going to punch you in the face.”
“Are you ignoring Matt and Chris?” he said, unfazed.
“No I am not ignoring any of you, and if you do not give me some space I will punch you, and I will not wipe my hands off first.”
“Sexy.” He replied, but he went and sat on the counter between the two sinks.
“So what’s up, then?” he continued.
I finished emptying my bladder and tried to tuck myself away out of his line of sight. I came over to the sink, and while I was washing my hands I explained to him about my lost phone and the phone book and my password.
“Oh yeah, the number's under my mom's last name. But are you serious? You made your password ‘cockandballs’?”
“Oh, bite me.” I replied.
“Tell me where.” He said back. I turned and flicked water into his face.
“You never say stuff like that to Matt and Chris.” I pointed out. He rolled his eyes.
“Duh, they’re not gay. That particular method of banter gets old pretty quick. But I can tell it gets to you, so with you it’s fun.”
This made me want to punch him again but then I realized I was smiling. He had the most peculiarly endearing way of being an asshole. Suddenly his face dropped and a little flag went up in the back of my mind. ‘Pay attention’ something said.
“Do you think I’m homophobic?”
I blinked at him.
“Um, hi. Two minutes ago you were standing and watching me pee. I’m pretty sure you’re more comfortable with my sexuality than I am.”
“And I’m not leading you on, right?” he added. I turned the taps off and didn’t move for a second. I had been pretty sure he was straight all along of course. Admittedly I had been letting myself daydream a bit, because you never really know, right? There's more to sexuality than stereotypes. But I guess now I did know. If not about his sexuality, then at the very least he wasn’t interested in me specifically. I shrugged and went over to grab a couple sheets of paper towel.
“Nah, it’s all in good fun. No worries.”
I thought I heard him sigh in relief and then it occurred to me to ask a question of my own.
“So um, did you have business to take care of, or did you just follow me in here to watch me pee?” He shrugged and jumped off the counter.
“I was just gonna jack off in one of the stalls, but it can wait till I get home.”
I shook my head. I still found it so bizarre the way him and his friends talked so openly about that kind of thing. I got embarrassed just hearing it; if I said anything like that to someone I probably wouldn’t ever be able to look them in the face again.
“Well, sorry to interrupt.” Was the only reply I could think of.
“It’s okay, I can never get off in the bathrooms anyway. Smells funny.”
He walked over to the door and opened it, motioning for me to go first. On my way past he flicked me on the side of the head.
“And get your ass over to Matt’s on Friday, would you? Bring your booze gut, if you smell like puke you sleep outside.”
It turned out I wasn’t given much choice in the matter, as Adam showed up at my door again on Friday night. I made a quick check before I opened the door to make sure I wasn’t wearing the exact same clothes I had been the last time he saw me. I didn’t own very many clothes, but as far as I could remember I had managed to pick out a different outfit, so I went and opened up the door.
“You almost ready?” he asked.
“Almost.” I said simply.
“Cool. Get your shit, let’s go.” I turned around to go to my bedroom and noticed that he kicked off his shoes and followed me down the hallway.
“Is your mummy cool with you spending the night?” Something in his tone gave me the impression that he wasn’t making fun of me, but wanted to seem like he was.
“Yeah.” I said with masterful indifference, opening the door to my room and wandering around stuffing a few things into my school bag. “I just gotta leave her a note before I take off, she’s working late tonight.”
When I turned around he was standing in my open doorway, leaning against the frame and inspecting the horrible mess that I lived in. Articles of clothing were flung all over my floor and on top of my tv and everywhere else. A couple t-shirts had been used to clean up my “personal” messes, and I severely hoped he wouldn’t be able to pick out such fine details from the doorway. I started looking around myself. I started to notice for the first time that it was pretty plain, even considering the disorder. I didn’t have anything on the walls, and besides the tv and bed there wasn’t much in there.
I was starting to get really self-conscious about my bedroom so I just grabbed my deodorant and a couple other basic things and shoved them into my school bag as quick as I could.
“Huh.” Adam said when he saw I was done, then turned and started walking back to the door.
“What,” I said, following him out. “You expected posters of naked guys everywhere?”
“Maybe just one or two.” He said seriously.
“I’m sure sex is nice and all, but I’m not obsessed with guys. They’re just kind of there. And some of them are hot.”
“You’re ‘sure’? You mean you’ve never done it?” he answered.
“Uh, no. Who the hell would I even do it with?”
This was a rhetorical question, but he answered it anyway.
“I can name at least ten guys at our school who would let you suck their cock. Give me till Monday, I can get you their numbers.”
“I’m good, thanks.” I said, telling myself after that maybe I could at least ask him for the names when he was drunk, and with any luck he wouldn’t remember.
“What does your mom do?” was his next question.
“Oh god, you’re not going to ask me to hook you up with her are you?” I asked, thinking that would be a hilarious reason for him to have started hanging out with me.
“Don’t be weird. I never understand why guys got off on that stuff. I just wanna know what the suit’s for.”
“Oh. She’s just a secretary, but she has to look really proper about it. She doesn’t make as much money as it looks like, and it’s just her and me here.” I said, trying not to sound too pathetic about it. I really didn’t mind.
“Where’s your dad?”
“Jail.”
“Shit, man. You can have mine.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant by that so I didn’t laugh, and didn’t say anything in reply. I wasn’t really in the mood to be prying his life story out of him, though he seemed to have morphed into a fountain of curiosity.
“Do you drink beer?” was the next question. At least this one had some relevance. Too bad it was the only question I didn’t know how to answer. My old group had never invited me to parties.
“Whatever.” He said after a silent moment. “You do tonight.”
I stopped walking abruptly and he turned to look at me, eyes set and prepared to roll. I probably shouldn’t make a fuss over his attempts to include me, but I still had the small suspicion that at any moment it could all be revealed to be some prank. I felt like if I could return to a life of rejection on my own terms, somehow that made me the winner.
“I’ll drink if I feel like it.” I told him bluntly.
“Fine.” He said. “You do tonight, if you want to.”
At that point he nearly sent me into a panic attack by walking back toward me and putting his arm over my shoulder, slowly steering me toward Matt's house.
“Hustle, dear Dylon. When they get bored they have a habit of using the TV’s to watch two pornos at once. If they break your poor little mind I don’t stand a chance at those stupid games they make me play.”
“Wait, what? You guys actually watch porn together?” I asked, feeling kind of uncomfortable under his arm. I briefly considered why this was and accused myself of thinking it might suddenly transform into a giant tentacle that he was going to violate me with. I had to try really hard not to laugh out loud, I really didn’t feel like explaining that thought.
Were other guys really that obsessed with sex? I mean sure, I had heard some of the girls I hung out with complain about guys a lot, but I didn’t think it was actually true.
“Awh, come on. Don’t be such a kid. It’s just another movie genre isn’t it? We watch superhero movies too.”
“It’s freaking weird.” I said, trying to blink my surprise away.
“Get over it,” he groaned. He took his arm off my shoulders and started walking backwards so we were face-to-face. “It’s not a big deal. Sometimes you like to see explosions and gunfire. Sometimes you wanna see a naked chick with a dick in her.”
I opened my mouth to reply but he laughed and corrected himself.
“Well okay, not you, but you know what I mean. Besides, we don’t jack off every time a pair of tits pops onto the screen. We’re not sex crazed zombies, but we’re certainly not ashamed to like what we like. If you're not into it that’s cool, we don’t have to do it with you around. But we do it with each other, and it’s not ‘freaking weird’.”
“Okidoke.” Was the best answer I could come up with. I hadn’t expected such a defensive answer. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the way these guys dealt with a subject that made me so nervous. I had always believed that it should be a private matter. And it didn’t hurt to treat it with a bit of dignity, either. But I kept those particular opinions to myself.
Suddenly he slowed down, but I didn't think much of it until I was walking past him and he gave my ass a ferocious smack. It was only at the last second I was able to choke down my shout of surprise.
"Giddyup, we'll be late."
"I hate you so much." I thought to myself, turning a hundred shades of pink and red. "I hope you fall asleep before me so I can kill you."
Town With No Name
I grew up in a town with no name
But it spun with the world all the same
The sun rose and fell
And it swore never to tell
About the town
With no name
Summer kept us a secret
Spring was always just passing through
Winter was quiet, and autumn
Never bothered
With the town
With no name
From high up in the night sky
The stars couldn't seperate
The specks apart from each other
So we stayed unseen
And we stayed unspoken
Clouds carried off by the wind
Wind moving on with closed eyes
Oblivious snowflakes and raindrops
Coming down from the skies
To the town
With no name
Careless and clueless, the sunlight
That poured into every home
Paid no attention to the sight or
The voices of the peple who lived
In the town
With no name
From high up in the night sky
The stars couldn't separate
The specks apart from each other
So we stayed unseen
And we stayed unspoken
Far from the burning horizon
Forever suspended in time
A mystery sits still and quiet
Forever unseen
Forever unspoken
But it spun with the world all the same
The sun rose and fell
And it swore never to tell
About the town
With no name
Summer kept us a secret
Spring was always just passing through
Winter was quiet, and autumn
Never bothered
With the town
With no name
From high up in the night sky
The stars couldn't seperate
The specks apart from each other
So we stayed unseen
And we stayed unspoken
Clouds carried off by the wind
Wind moving on with closed eyes
Oblivious snowflakes and raindrops
Coming down from the skies
To the town
With no name
Careless and clueless, the sunlight
That poured into every home
Paid no attention to the sight or
The voices of the peple who lived
In the town
With no name
From high up in the night sky
The stars couldn't separate
The specks apart from each other
So we stayed unseen
And we stayed unspoken
Far from the burning horizon
Forever suspended in time
A mystery sits still and quiet
Forever unseen
Forever unspoken
Princes (You Are Today)
One of these days, I'll say the right thing
To make my lover laugh
He'll say "You're so funny, baby"
"You've never been funny before,
But you are today."
One of these days, I'll wrap my arms around
My lover when he cries
He'll say "You're so sensitive, baby"
"You've never been sensitive before,
But you are today."
One of these days, I'll have a really clever thought
And blow my lover's mind
He'll say "You're so fascinating, baby"
"You've never been fascinating before,
But you are today."
One of these days, as we're making love
I'll make my lover sigh
"You're so sexy, baby."
"You've never been sexy before,
But you are today."
One of these days I'll be standing in the hall
To kiss him as he goes to work
And he'll say "You're so real, baby"
"You've never been real before,
But you are today."
I'm laying in my bed, dreaming to myself
Inventing princes by the row
That say "You're so in love, baby"
"You've never been in love before,
But you are today."
To make my lover laugh
He'll say "You're so funny, baby"
"You've never been funny before,
But you are today."
One of these days, I'll wrap my arms around
My lover when he cries
He'll say "You're so sensitive, baby"
"You've never been sensitive before,
But you are today."
One of these days, I'll have a really clever thought
And blow my lover's mind
He'll say "You're so fascinating, baby"
"You've never been fascinating before,
But you are today."
One of these days, as we're making love
I'll make my lover sigh
"You're so sexy, baby."
"You've never been sexy before,
But you are today."
One of these days I'll be standing in the hall
To kiss him as he goes to work
And he'll say "You're so real, baby"
"You've never been real before,
But you are today."
I'm laying in my bed, dreaming to myself
Inventing princes by the row
That say "You're so in love, baby"
"You've never been in love before,
But you are today."
Baby Blue Sun
I've got strength, but it's not my own
I just borrow it like my body's home
I wipe the dust off the windowsill
Keep it tidy, so they can't tell
I'm not safe, and I'm not sound
Every little thing breaks me a little more
I can't tell what digs at me more
The pleasant dreams or the memories
Doesn't everything look nice
Under the baby blue sun?
Tears and fears and fantasy
Everything is fine
Doesn't everything sound sublime?
Carried on indigo air
"Please forgive me"s, "never mind"s,
Everything is fine
If I had faith, I would have lost it there
Among the jubilee
Marching, dancing puppetry
Strings held up with smiles
Doesn't everything look nice
Under the baby blue sun?
Tears and fears and fantasy
Everything is fine
Doesn't everything sound sublime?
Carried on indigo air
"Please forgive me"s, "never mind"s,
Everything is fine
Memories seems so much sweeter
The less clearly I recall
The ghosts of love never given
Watching from the corner
Doesn't everything look nice
Under the baby blue sun?
Tears and fears and fantasy
Everything is fine
Doesn't everything sound sublime?
Carried on indigo air
"Please forgive me"s, "never mind"s,
Everything is fine
I just borrow it like my body's home
I wipe the dust off the windowsill
Keep it tidy, so they can't tell
I'm not safe, and I'm not sound
Every little thing breaks me a little more
I can't tell what digs at me more
The pleasant dreams or the memories
Doesn't everything look nice
Under the baby blue sun?
Tears and fears and fantasy
Everything is fine
Doesn't everything sound sublime?
Carried on indigo air
"Please forgive me"s, "never mind"s,
Everything is fine
If I had faith, I would have lost it there
Among the jubilee
Marching, dancing puppetry
Strings held up with smiles
Doesn't everything look nice
Under the baby blue sun?
Tears and fears and fantasy
Everything is fine
Doesn't everything sound sublime?
Carried on indigo air
"Please forgive me"s, "never mind"s,
Everything is fine
Memories seems so much sweeter
The less clearly I recall
The ghosts of love never given
Watching from the corner
Doesn't everything look nice
Under the baby blue sun?
Tears and fears and fantasy
Everything is fine
Doesn't everything sound sublime?
Carried on indigo air
"Please forgive me"s, "never mind"s,
Everything is fine
Uncertain Terms, Pt.1
Normally having all your friends abandon you and treat you like crap is a
bad thing, right? But when they accidentally set you up to hang out
with a hot guy and his friends, it’s hard to be mad at them. At least it
was for me. I guess that makes me shallow, but whatever. They weren’t
great friends to begin with, so it seemed like it would be a fair trade.
It had potential, at least. I wasn’t really sure what possessed them to
invite me over in the first place.
I had planned not to go at all. I figured it was all a big joke, I had never even spoken to any of them before. I was just going to stay home, rot my teeth with soft drinks and play video games till two in the morning. The less conscious I was at school the next day, the less crazy it would make me. But of course that didn’t work out because Adam ended up showing at my house. Adam is the hot one, if I didn’t already say that.
When I opened the door he was leaning on the frame, looking absolutely dashing and bored.
“You ready to go?” he asked me. I was admittedly too stunned to speak, but luckily I didn’t have to think of anything because my mother materialized behind me. She was just home from work and still in her super expensive suit.
“Go?” she said and then she caught sight of Adam. “Who’s that?”
“My name’s Adam Cross, ma’am. Dylon’s going to come help me with my math homework.”
“Are you his boyfriend?” I might have actually fainted, except I had to stay awake to figure out the fastest way to kill myself. Adam didn’t seem to be phased by it however.
“Oh. No, ma’am, I didn’t realize you knew about that. I didn’t mean for it to sound that way.”
“Well then I’d very much like to know where you’re taking my son, if you don’t even know him well enough to know he’s as likely to tutor math as he is to get pregnant.”
Again, I expected Adam to just give up and leave but instead he shrugged.
“We just met recently at school, and I invited him over to play video games. In my experience parents are more likely to cooperate with an obvious lie than the truth about what their child is doing at night instead of school work.”
She came over to the door and stared at him with her arms crossed.
“I don’t impose tyrannical rule upon my son’s life, Mr. Cross. The truth will be just fine in the future. Will there be drinking?”
“Sometimes we do, but not on a school night.” Adam answered evenly. I couldn’t help but notice that he was smiling. He actually seemed to be enjoying the interrogation.
“Drugs?” my mother added.
“Oooh, hey mom. Next ask him if we’ll be sacrificing a virgin to the devil. I want to make sure I’m well equipped.”
Adam laughed before answering her.
“My friends and I don’t do drugs. Or satanic rituals.”
“Alcohol is a drug.” she said, pointing a finger at him. His smile widened. Suddenly it occurred to me to wonder how he knew where I lived, but I didn’t want to ask in front of my overzealous mother.
“We don’t do what people usually refer to as drugs.” He answered.
She looked from me to him and then blew a patch of bangs out of her face.
“Home by ten.” She said before turning and walking back into the house.
“Cool.” Adam said, sounding slightly surprised. I hurried to cram my shoes onto my feet and then stopped. I had forgotten that I didn’t actually want to go with him. It was too late now, so I reluctantly followed him out, pulling the door closed behind me.
“How did you know where I lived?” I asked him, the question suddenly popping back into my head.
“I asked that Sara girl I’ve seen you around school with before. She told me she hoped my friends and I beat the crap out of you. Nice girl.”
I might have made some rude comment about Sara but I was too busy focusing on the part where he said he’d seen me around school before. Not a big deal, right? People don’t walk around with their eyes closed, and we’d been in a couple classes together. But we had never spoken to each other before.
He wasn’t one of the “popular” kids, but a lot of people liked him. He was a cocky troublemaker, and very popular with girls. Popular with their lips and their tongues at least, I wasn’t so sure about their hearts.
I guess I hadn’t said anything for a few minutes because he gave me a little shove.
“Cheer up, Dylon. My friends and I are not going to beat you up.”
“Where are we going?” I asked, stumbling back onto the sidewalk.
“Matt’s house.” He said, as if that cleared everything up. I was about to make some sarcastic remark when he added “A couple blocks up. We’ll do formal introductions when we get there.”
We didn’t speak the rest of the way there; I just didn’t know what to say. It was all so weird to me. When we got there Adam didn’t even knock, he just walked in, kicked off his boots and went into the kitchen to grab a bunch of junk food while I removed my own shoes. He nodded his head for me to follow and ran up the carpeted stairs. When we got to a white door at the end of the hallway Adam shifted all the snacks into one arm and knocked with his free hand.
“Zippers up ladies, you’ve got guests.” He called.
“Go fuck yourself.” Someone said back and he pushed the door open and tossed a bag of chips at someone’s head.
“Careful, asshole. I don’t want to be eating my chips through a straw.” Said the target, who was sitting in a beanbag chair playing video games.
“Introductions?” said the other guy from the opposite corner, where he sat in a chair in front of a desktop computer.
Adam walked over and jumped onto the bed. His introductions weren’t at all helpful; he had apparently forgotten the formality he had mentioned a few minutes before.
“Loser,” he said pointing to the guy in the bean bag chair “wanker,” he said indicating the guy at the computer, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he had actually been masturbating or if Adam was just being a jerk. Then I realized what he was probably going to introduce me as and I cut him off.
“I’m Dylon.” I said quickly and the guy in the bean bag chair raised his hand but didn’t turn around.
“Right,” said the guy at the computer. “Well I’m Chris, and that’s Matt. I’m guessing you know that’s Adam.”
“Not gonna shake his hand, Chris?” Adam said innocently.
“Bite me.”
“Nah, cuz then you’d have to jack off again.”
“Okay.” Matt butted in, pausing his game and turning around. “Don’t make the new guy kill himself in my bedroom, please.”
“But if I kill Adam that’s okay, right?” Chris said hopefully.
“You can take him out back and beat him with a shovel when we’re done.” Matt promised. “We need four for games.”
“If he can stop beating himself long enough.” Adam muttered.
At that point Chris whipped something at Adam’s head, I couldn’t see what it was but it made a loud smack when it hit his hands and bounced away onto the floor. As Chris stood up and walked out from the desk I got a bit of a better look at him. I had seen him at school but not really paid much attention.
He was a semi-tall, thin blond guy with a kind of square face. He was wearing a green jersey type of t-shirt, and baggy blue jeans. I was guessing he played basketball or something after school.
Matt was shorter and kind of chubby with a small face, black hair and glasses. Any time I’d seen him at school his shirt either displayed something video game related or spattered with the name of some band. As far as I could see, the one he was wearing today was something to do with the former – black with some neon green letters and shapes. Currently he was wearing khaki shorts.
Briefly I turned my attention back to Adam, who had found a little rubber ball and was tossing it up and catching it. I noticed for the first time that seeing the three of them together was an odd sort of picture, they didn’t really seem to fit together.
Adam was kind of medium height with an almond-shaped face and light brown hair that he usually spiked up at the front. He wasn’t ripped because he wasn’t a jock or anything, but he was in good shape. He was wearing a tight green t-shirt with some big white words on it that I couldn’t read because I didn’t want him to see me staring. He also wore a belt that stuck out in an oddly cool and sexy way. He had to wear it pulled up to the very last hole because it was so big, and he obviously didn’t need it because his jeans were… very well fitted, if you get what I mean. I mean I couldn’t make out the exact shape and size of his junk, but I wanted to write a letter to the company that made those jeans and thank them sincerely.
“Dude, take a seat.” Chris said to me, pulling the computer chair over next to Matt’s beanbag chair and grabbing another controller off the tv as Matt shut his game off and started to look for something else to put in. Not seeing any other options I sat down at the foot of the bed as Chris handed me another controller.
“What kind of games do you play?” Matt asked as he searched through shelves of game cases. I started naming off a few titles before I realized that they were all single-player. Not helpful. I started racking my brain for some multiplayer stuff. None of my old friends really liked video games, but I managed to think of a couple.
“How are we all going to play on one tv though? Won’t that be a bit cramped?” I asked, feeling kind of dumb even though I was sure it was a valid issue. Maybe they only played two at a time when it was just three of them, and they hadn’t thought of it?
“Two tvs.” Matt corrected me and when I looked I felt even more stupid. The other tv was sitting two feet from my head, in an entertainment stand with another system and everything.
“Shit.” I said. “How do you afford all that?”
“This tv is my brother’s, he couldn’t be arsed to take it with him when he moved. Extra systems are Chris’s, and he has all the same multiplayer games so we can just do a game together over the internet.”
“Yeah, we’re pretty serious about our games.” Adam added in a slightly sarcastic way.
With the vague directions I had given him, Matt picked a game and Chris and Adam approved the choice, I just shrugged my shoulders. It was a game I was pretty familiar with. The guys decided to put Adam and I on the same team so that each side would have its own tv and we couldn’t spy on each other. It turned out working well for Adam because both Chris and Matt were better at the game than him, and I was better than both of them. I also ended up learning that all four of them swore enough during video games to shame any self-respecting sailor.
At one point I ended up taking out both Chris and Matt a few seconds apart. Chris just dropped a typical F-bomb, but Matt viciously declared me a cocksucker, which caused everyone except me to stop and turn their hands. I didn’t even notice they had stopped playing until I killed Chris again and he didn’t swear. I looked up and then my mind registered what happened.
“Oh.” I said. “Whatever.”
“Sorry man, it’s kind of a habit.”
“Well, next time you kill me I’ll call you a cunt humper and we’ll be even.”
Adam burst out laughing.
“Shit, Dylon. Even bastards like us don’t use that word so casually.”
I opened my mouth to tell him he’d get used to it but then I realized they probably wouldn’t be inviting me back, so I just shut up and went back to the game. We decimated the junk food population and committed genocide against canned soft drinks, and it got dark out. I was dying a little bit inside because I hadn’t eaten supper before I left.
At some point during the evening Adam laid down on the bed so that his head was right behind mine and his arms were bent, holding his controller almost right up against my neck. I actually felt it vibrate a couple times.
Lucky me, right? I felt like I should think so, but all I actually felt was uncomfortable. I wanted to move but I didn’t want to weird him out or have him teasing me about being turned on. Maybe he was doing it on purpose. Luckily our game had just ended and I had a very good excuse to get up; my bladder had been full for almost an hour.
“Matt, where’s your bathroom?” I asked him, standing up and putting my controller up on the tv stand.
“You gonna be long?” he asked. I shook my head.
“Nah,” I said. “But I’ll sit the next one out anyway.”
“Down at the end of the hall, right next to the stairs.” He said and I got up and left.
I kind of loitered for a couple moments, brushing my hair down with my hands and then messing it back up again. Checking to make sure I was wearing deodorant, though it was a few hours too late to do anything about that. When I finally went back I stopped dead in the doorway. Adam was sitting on the floor, right next to where I had been sitting all night. He was leaning back against the bed with his hands behind his head, apparently not playing this round either.
“You can sit on the bed.” Matt offered. “Dickhead tends to move around a lot, and doesn’t really care if he steals someone’s spot.”
I grabbed my controller and sat up on the bed with my legs crossed, still a little bit confused by the sudden switch. We only played for about half an hour more, during which Chris was constantly playing with his phone. When he finally got up and announced he was going to meet up with “Kelsey” and hang out for a bit, Adam and Matt seemed almost relieved.
“What are you going to tell her when she asks why you can’t get it up?” Adam asked him behind a stifled yawn. Chris flipped him the bird before grabbing his jacket and walking out the door. The rest of us sat in silence for another fifteen minutes or so before I decided I should get going too.
We said our round of awkward goodbyes and I went home and raided the fridge. I still wasn’t really sure what to make of the night, but it had been pretty enjoyable. I did notice however, with a twinge of panic, that none of them had said anything along the lines of “see you again.” But it could be worse. Even if they now knew how much of a loser I was, at least they gave me a chance. That was something, right?
I had planned not to go at all. I figured it was all a big joke, I had never even spoken to any of them before. I was just going to stay home, rot my teeth with soft drinks and play video games till two in the morning. The less conscious I was at school the next day, the less crazy it would make me. But of course that didn’t work out because Adam ended up showing at my house. Adam is the hot one, if I didn’t already say that.
When I opened the door he was leaning on the frame, looking absolutely dashing and bored.
“You ready to go?” he asked me. I was admittedly too stunned to speak, but luckily I didn’t have to think of anything because my mother materialized behind me. She was just home from work and still in her super expensive suit.
“Go?” she said and then she caught sight of Adam. “Who’s that?”
“My name’s Adam Cross, ma’am. Dylon’s going to come help me with my math homework.”
“Are you his boyfriend?” I might have actually fainted, except I had to stay awake to figure out the fastest way to kill myself. Adam didn’t seem to be phased by it however.
“Oh. No, ma’am, I didn’t realize you knew about that. I didn’t mean for it to sound that way.”
“Well then I’d very much like to know where you’re taking my son, if you don’t even know him well enough to know he’s as likely to tutor math as he is to get pregnant.”
Again, I expected Adam to just give up and leave but instead he shrugged.
“We just met recently at school, and I invited him over to play video games. In my experience parents are more likely to cooperate with an obvious lie than the truth about what their child is doing at night instead of school work.”
She came over to the door and stared at him with her arms crossed.
“I don’t impose tyrannical rule upon my son’s life, Mr. Cross. The truth will be just fine in the future. Will there be drinking?”
“Sometimes we do, but not on a school night.” Adam answered evenly. I couldn’t help but notice that he was smiling. He actually seemed to be enjoying the interrogation.
“Drugs?” my mother added.
“Oooh, hey mom. Next ask him if we’ll be sacrificing a virgin to the devil. I want to make sure I’m well equipped.”
Adam laughed before answering her.
“My friends and I don’t do drugs. Or satanic rituals.”
“Alcohol is a drug.” she said, pointing a finger at him. His smile widened. Suddenly it occurred to me to wonder how he knew where I lived, but I didn’t want to ask in front of my overzealous mother.
“We don’t do what people usually refer to as drugs.” He answered.
She looked from me to him and then blew a patch of bangs out of her face.
“Home by ten.” She said before turning and walking back into the house.
“Cool.” Adam said, sounding slightly surprised. I hurried to cram my shoes onto my feet and then stopped. I had forgotten that I didn’t actually want to go with him. It was too late now, so I reluctantly followed him out, pulling the door closed behind me.
“How did you know where I lived?” I asked him, the question suddenly popping back into my head.
“I asked that Sara girl I’ve seen you around school with before. She told me she hoped my friends and I beat the crap out of you. Nice girl.”
I might have made some rude comment about Sara but I was too busy focusing on the part where he said he’d seen me around school before. Not a big deal, right? People don’t walk around with their eyes closed, and we’d been in a couple classes together. But we had never spoken to each other before.
He wasn’t one of the “popular” kids, but a lot of people liked him. He was a cocky troublemaker, and very popular with girls. Popular with their lips and their tongues at least, I wasn’t so sure about their hearts.
I guess I hadn’t said anything for a few minutes because he gave me a little shove.
“Cheer up, Dylon. My friends and I are not going to beat you up.”
“Where are we going?” I asked, stumbling back onto the sidewalk.
“Matt’s house.” He said, as if that cleared everything up. I was about to make some sarcastic remark when he added “A couple blocks up. We’ll do formal introductions when we get there.”
We didn’t speak the rest of the way there; I just didn’t know what to say. It was all so weird to me. When we got there Adam didn’t even knock, he just walked in, kicked off his boots and went into the kitchen to grab a bunch of junk food while I removed my own shoes. He nodded his head for me to follow and ran up the carpeted stairs. When we got to a white door at the end of the hallway Adam shifted all the snacks into one arm and knocked with his free hand.
“Zippers up ladies, you’ve got guests.” He called.
“Go fuck yourself.” Someone said back and he pushed the door open and tossed a bag of chips at someone’s head.
“Careful, asshole. I don’t want to be eating my chips through a straw.” Said the target, who was sitting in a beanbag chair playing video games.
“Introductions?” said the other guy from the opposite corner, where he sat in a chair in front of a desktop computer.
Adam walked over and jumped onto the bed. His introductions weren’t at all helpful; he had apparently forgotten the formality he had mentioned a few minutes before.
“Loser,” he said pointing to the guy in the bean bag chair “wanker,” he said indicating the guy at the computer, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he had actually been masturbating or if Adam was just being a jerk. Then I realized what he was probably going to introduce me as and I cut him off.
“I’m Dylon.” I said quickly and the guy in the bean bag chair raised his hand but didn’t turn around.
“Right,” said the guy at the computer. “Well I’m Chris, and that’s Matt. I’m guessing you know that’s Adam.”
“Not gonna shake his hand, Chris?” Adam said innocently.
“Bite me.”
“Nah, cuz then you’d have to jack off again.”
“Okay.” Matt butted in, pausing his game and turning around. “Don’t make the new guy kill himself in my bedroom, please.”
“But if I kill Adam that’s okay, right?” Chris said hopefully.
“You can take him out back and beat him with a shovel when we’re done.” Matt promised. “We need four for games.”
“If he can stop beating himself long enough.” Adam muttered.
At that point Chris whipped something at Adam’s head, I couldn’t see what it was but it made a loud smack when it hit his hands and bounced away onto the floor. As Chris stood up and walked out from the desk I got a bit of a better look at him. I had seen him at school but not really paid much attention.
He was a semi-tall, thin blond guy with a kind of square face. He was wearing a green jersey type of t-shirt, and baggy blue jeans. I was guessing he played basketball or something after school.
Matt was shorter and kind of chubby with a small face, black hair and glasses. Any time I’d seen him at school his shirt either displayed something video game related or spattered with the name of some band. As far as I could see, the one he was wearing today was something to do with the former – black with some neon green letters and shapes. Currently he was wearing khaki shorts.
Briefly I turned my attention back to Adam, who had found a little rubber ball and was tossing it up and catching it. I noticed for the first time that seeing the three of them together was an odd sort of picture, they didn’t really seem to fit together.
Adam was kind of medium height with an almond-shaped face and light brown hair that he usually spiked up at the front. He wasn’t ripped because he wasn’t a jock or anything, but he was in good shape. He was wearing a tight green t-shirt with some big white words on it that I couldn’t read because I didn’t want him to see me staring. He also wore a belt that stuck out in an oddly cool and sexy way. He had to wear it pulled up to the very last hole because it was so big, and he obviously didn’t need it because his jeans were… very well fitted, if you get what I mean. I mean I couldn’t make out the exact shape and size of his junk, but I wanted to write a letter to the company that made those jeans and thank them sincerely.
“Dude, take a seat.” Chris said to me, pulling the computer chair over next to Matt’s beanbag chair and grabbing another controller off the tv as Matt shut his game off and started to look for something else to put in. Not seeing any other options I sat down at the foot of the bed as Chris handed me another controller.
“What kind of games do you play?” Matt asked as he searched through shelves of game cases. I started naming off a few titles before I realized that they were all single-player. Not helpful. I started racking my brain for some multiplayer stuff. None of my old friends really liked video games, but I managed to think of a couple.
“How are we all going to play on one tv though? Won’t that be a bit cramped?” I asked, feeling kind of dumb even though I was sure it was a valid issue. Maybe they only played two at a time when it was just three of them, and they hadn’t thought of it?
“Two tvs.” Matt corrected me and when I looked I felt even more stupid. The other tv was sitting two feet from my head, in an entertainment stand with another system and everything.
“Shit.” I said. “How do you afford all that?”
“This tv is my brother’s, he couldn’t be arsed to take it with him when he moved. Extra systems are Chris’s, and he has all the same multiplayer games so we can just do a game together over the internet.”
“Yeah, we’re pretty serious about our games.” Adam added in a slightly sarcastic way.
With the vague directions I had given him, Matt picked a game and Chris and Adam approved the choice, I just shrugged my shoulders. It was a game I was pretty familiar with. The guys decided to put Adam and I on the same team so that each side would have its own tv and we couldn’t spy on each other. It turned out working well for Adam because both Chris and Matt were better at the game than him, and I was better than both of them. I also ended up learning that all four of them swore enough during video games to shame any self-respecting sailor.
At one point I ended up taking out both Chris and Matt a few seconds apart. Chris just dropped a typical F-bomb, but Matt viciously declared me a cocksucker, which caused everyone except me to stop and turn their hands. I didn’t even notice they had stopped playing until I killed Chris again and he didn’t swear. I looked up and then my mind registered what happened.
“Oh.” I said. “Whatever.”
“Sorry man, it’s kind of a habit.”
“Well, next time you kill me I’ll call you a cunt humper and we’ll be even.”
Adam burst out laughing.
“Shit, Dylon. Even bastards like us don’t use that word so casually.”
I opened my mouth to tell him he’d get used to it but then I realized they probably wouldn’t be inviting me back, so I just shut up and went back to the game. We decimated the junk food population and committed genocide against canned soft drinks, and it got dark out. I was dying a little bit inside because I hadn’t eaten supper before I left.
At some point during the evening Adam laid down on the bed so that his head was right behind mine and his arms were bent, holding his controller almost right up against my neck. I actually felt it vibrate a couple times.
Lucky me, right? I felt like I should think so, but all I actually felt was uncomfortable. I wanted to move but I didn’t want to weird him out or have him teasing me about being turned on. Maybe he was doing it on purpose. Luckily our game had just ended and I had a very good excuse to get up; my bladder had been full for almost an hour.
“Matt, where’s your bathroom?” I asked him, standing up and putting my controller up on the tv stand.
“You gonna be long?” he asked. I shook my head.
“Nah,” I said. “But I’ll sit the next one out anyway.”
“Down at the end of the hall, right next to the stairs.” He said and I got up and left.
I kind of loitered for a couple moments, brushing my hair down with my hands and then messing it back up again. Checking to make sure I was wearing deodorant, though it was a few hours too late to do anything about that. When I finally went back I stopped dead in the doorway. Adam was sitting on the floor, right next to where I had been sitting all night. He was leaning back against the bed with his hands behind his head, apparently not playing this round either.
“You can sit on the bed.” Matt offered. “Dickhead tends to move around a lot, and doesn’t really care if he steals someone’s spot.”
I grabbed my controller and sat up on the bed with my legs crossed, still a little bit confused by the sudden switch. We only played for about half an hour more, during which Chris was constantly playing with his phone. When he finally got up and announced he was going to meet up with “Kelsey” and hang out for a bit, Adam and Matt seemed almost relieved.
“What are you going to tell her when she asks why you can’t get it up?” Adam asked him behind a stifled yawn. Chris flipped him the bird before grabbing his jacket and walking out the door. The rest of us sat in silence for another fifteen minutes or so before I decided I should get going too.
We said our round of awkward goodbyes and I went home and raided the fridge. I still wasn’t really sure what to make of the night, but it had been pretty enjoyable. I did notice however, with a twinge of panic, that none of them had said anything along the lines of “see you again.” But it could be worse. Even if they now knew how much of a loser I was, at least they gave me a chance. That was something, right?
Doll of Ice and Snow
Feathers falling from the sky
To build me up again
Predator winds
That rush to fill me in
I feel quite at home
In the January cold
Lying wide awake
Among the snow
I rebuild my body
By the comfort of the moon
The satellites don't judge me
By my shape
How am I to die
As if I'm ever given life
How can you expect this
From me
In the glow of morning
My skin drips away
I become unborn
By the sun
I'll build the ice around me
The best that I can
Better to repeat the work
Than it is to fade away
Sometimes when the air has turned
To crystals
Even Apollo's fire cannot
Unmake me
My spirit feels so light
Though I'm made solid as a stone
Lord and castle both
Among the cold
I feel quite at home
In the January cold
Hollow threads of silk
And powdered bones
Cold to the touch
And never bothered much
By the killer winds
That rush to fill me in
In the rays of morning
My body bleeds away
I become unborn
By the sun
I'll build the ice around me
The best I can at night
Better to mend constantly
Than it is to fall apart
I can't reconcile
The January cold
With the light and fire
That eats away my soul
Bodies bleed and scatter
Spirits fall and crumble
I'm blessed to know
That spring will never come
Spring will never come
In the light of morning
My skin bleeds away
Once again, I'm unborn
By the sun
I'll build the shell around me
Hollow at my core
Better to protect the flakes of snow
Than it would be to just let everything else go
To build me up again
Predator winds
That rush to fill me in
I feel quite at home
In the January cold
Lying wide awake
Among the snow
I rebuild my body
By the comfort of the moon
The satellites don't judge me
By my shape
How am I to die
As if I'm ever given life
How can you expect this
From me
In the glow of morning
My skin drips away
I become unborn
By the sun
I'll build the ice around me
The best that I can
Better to repeat the work
Than it is to fade away
Sometimes when the air has turned
To crystals
Even Apollo's fire cannot
Unmake me
My spirit feels so light
Though I'm made solid as a stone
Lord and castle both
Among the cold
I feel quite at home
In the January cold
Hollow threads of silk
And powdered bones
Cold to the touch
And never bothered much
By the killer winds
That rush to fill me in
In the rays of morning
My body bleeds away
I become unborn
By the sun
I'll build the ice around me
The best I can at night
Better to mend constantly
Than it is to fall apart
I can't reconcile
The January cold
With the light and fire
That eats away my soul
Bodies bleed and scatter
Spirits fall and crumble
I'm blessed to know
That spring will never come
Spring will never come
In the light of morning
My skin bleeds away
Once again, I'm unborn
By the sun
I'll build the shell around me
Hollow at my core
Better to protect the flakes of snow
Than it would be to just let everything else go
Eyes That Shoot Bullets
I wasn't scared of demons
I wasn't scared of dark
I wasn't scared of drowning, burning,
Or a crushing fall
I wasn't scared of starving
I wasn't scared of war
Because I had nothing worth losing
To be frightened for
You put your teeth in my neck
Your fingers in my ribs
You took your vile tongue and wrapped it
All around my body
Your breath held onto me
My lungs were black and melting
Your scalp of hooks clung to my fingers
And you drank my panic
You roared and howled, and you snarled in my ear
Told the waiting pack you were going in for the kill
With your eyes that shoot bullets
And your lips that light sparks
You'll be killing me before long
You give me a flick of that barbed-wire tongue
Inviting me to come have fun
You lure me to your den
You call me to your nest
You drag me down the steps and throw me
Up against the wall
You bind my hands and feet
You blind my eyes with poison
You choke the blood out of my stomach
With your dagger point
You pace outside of my cage
You scratch my bedroom door
I'll find your fingerprints burned
Into my windowsill
You're hanging on the ceiling
You slither on the floor
And on my bed you're letting yourself
Slip between the covers
I wake with coils tightening themselves around my chest
You dip your claws into my veins, I'm tasting my own blood
With your eyes that shoot bullets
And your lips that light sparks
You'll be killing me before long
You give me a flick of that barbed-wire tongue
Inviting me to come have fun
You dig me out a grave
My chest still grows and falls
Your fur is standing on its ends
Showing your hatred for me
I feel your padded paws
Pressing against my shoulders
Pushing me down to the earth
Where you will bury me
With your eyes that shoot bullets
And your lips that light sparks
You'll be killing me before long
You give me a flick of that barbed-wire tongue
Inviting me to come have fun
I wasn't scared of dark
I wasn't scared of drowning, burning,
Or a crushing fall
I wasn't scared of starving
I wasn't scared of war
Because I had nothing worth losing
To be frightened for
You put your teeth in my neck
Your fingers in my ribs
You took your vile tongue and wrapped it
All around my body
Your breath held onto me
My lungs were black and melting
Your scalp of hooks clung to my fingers
And you drank my panic
You roared and howled, and you snarled in my ear
Told the waiting pack you were going in for the kill
With your eyes that shoot bullets
And your lips that light sparks
You'll be killing me before long
You give me a flick of that barbed-wire tongue
Inviting me to come have fun
You lure me to your den
You call me to your nest
You drag me down the steps and throw me
Up against the wall
You bind my hands and feet
You blind my eyes with poison
You choke the blood out of my stomach
With your dagger point
You pace outside of my cage
You scratch my bedroom door
I'll find your fingerprints burned
Into my windowsill
You're hanging on the ceiling
You slither on the floor
And on my bed you're letting yourself
Slip between the covers
I wake with coils tightening themselves around my chest
You dip your claws into my veins, I'm tasting my own blood
With your eyes that shoot bullets
And your lips that light sparks
You'll be killing me before long
You give me a flick of that barbed-wire tongue
Inviting me to come have fun
You dig me out a grave
My chest still grows and falls
Your fur is standing on its ends
Showing your hatred for me
I feel your padded paws
Pressing against my shoulders
Pushing me down to the earth
Where you will bury me
With your eyes that shoot bullets
And your lips that light sparks
You'll be killing me before long
You give me a flick of that barbed-wire tongue
Inviting me to come have fun
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