Uncertain Terms Pt.5

Monday morning as I was getting on the bus I got a text from Adam, telling me to come to the cafeteria at lunch. I didn’t reply because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to work up the courage, but I tried to talk myself into it all morning. Finally, in the last ten minutes of my second class I took out my phone and sent a reply; “Fine, I’ll come.” A moment later he sent another message.

“Okay,” it read “you’ll come. But are you going to eat lunch with us?” I grinned and shook my head, tossing my phone back into my backpack. I guess everyone was back to their old selves.

When I got to the cafeteria I tried not to look too closely at anyone, I just searched the rows of benches for a familiar face. I saw Matt first, but there didn’t seem to be any room at their table, so I just kind of stood awkwardly for a minute, looking around for any free space at all.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around slowly. Much to my relief, it was just Chris.

“Over here.” He put his hand on my waist to steer me toward the table and I instantly went rigid. He must have noticed because he took his hand away and whispered an apology in my ear. It sent a shiver down my neck and made me want to punch him.

When we got to the bench, Chris tapped a couple people on the shoulder and jerked his head. They scowled at him, but they moved aside nonetheless, so we sat facing Adam and Matt.

“There you are!” Adam exclaimed. “We thought you got lost.”

“Or eaten.” Matt added.

“Not in a sexy way.” Chris finished.

For the most part lunch was decent. We had some laughs, and it was good to have some company at school for once. I mean real company, not people who ignored me half the time and treated me like someone I wasn’t the other half of the time. We were pretty tightly packed on the bench so Chris kept brushing against me and it was really distracting.

I ended up zoning out for the better half of the hour, just staring at my food. Until I caught the end of something Adam was saying.

"... unlike this faggot here."

Without really meaning to I had grabbed my backpack and stood up. Now I was just still and awkward while the three of them stared at me. Adam looked like he was preparing to get punched in the face, but at the moment I didn't even have the will to tell him off.

"Sorry," I said. "I gotta go." I turned and walked toward the cafeteria doors but Adam ran up behind me and grabbed my arm.

"Dylon, I just-" I pulled my arm away from him. Tears were forming in my eyes and I couldn't hold them back. At the very least I was determined not to let the others see.

"It's fine, just never mind. I just have to go." And so I went.

I was so furious with myself that I skipped my last two classes and just walked home. By the time I was done supper Adam had sent me five texts, but I couldn't bring myself to read them. He probably thought I was a psycho. I wanted to tell him it wasn't a big deal, but he wouldn't believe me. I wanted to tell him why I freaked out, but I didn't know.

The next morning when I got off the bus, Matt was waiting for me on the steps outside the school. He asked me if I was coming to the cafeteria at lunch today.

“I don't really think that's a good idea.”

“Adam isn't here,” he said. I stared at the ground and shifted my feet.

"Oh." Well, crap. I felt even worse now.

"I didn't mean to make him feel bad," I said. "It just caught me off guard. It's not a big deal."

Matt gave me a skeptical look.

"He said he's been trying to get a hold of you..."

"Yeah, I know. I... can't really explain that right now. But I'll talk to him tonight." I didn't really know what I was going to say to him yet, but I had to try. Mat nodded.

"For the record, he would deserve it if you were mad a him."

"But I'm not."

"Okay, good." Matt said. "Look, is it okay if Chris and I come join you in the art room for lunch? There's something we want to talk to you about."

"Yeah, sure."

At that point the bell rang, so we went inside to start our day.

When Chris and Matt came into the art room at lunch I moved my backpack from the seat beside me, which turned out not to be necessary because they both sat on the opposite side of the table. I half expected them to start lecturing me about making Adam feel bad.

“Right.” I said. “So, what's up?”

"Friday," Matt said. “There’s a party here in town, down on River Street. We were gonna go, we were just wondering if you were interested.”

I was going to tell them that I absolutely was not interested, but Chris didn’t give me the chance.

“Look, I understand how you feel about being around that many people considering what happened with your old friends. And I’m not gonna lie, Adam said he heard Tyler and Sarah are going to be there. But so will we.”

"Well..." I started.

“I know you’re not happy with him, but trust me. If either of those dipshits tried anything half as bad as what Adam said to you yesterday, he’d punch them in the balls.” Chris said. I shook my head.

"I am not mad at him."

"Then why did you leave?" Chris asked with interest. I heaved a very reluctant sigh.

"Look, it just caught me off guard. I left because I was crying and I didn't want you guys to see, and I haven't answered his texts because I was embarrassed about running off and I thought he would think I was psychotic."

Chris and Matt exchanged glances.

"I've just had a lot going through my mind lately, okay?"

"Hey, it's okay," Chris said. He smiled at me and I blushed ever so slightly. "We understand. You don't have to cover up around us. That's what we're here for."

I was starting to feel a bit awkward so I thought I'd better try to steer the conversation away from my feelings.

"I'm not exactly happy with his choice of words, but he's been a good friend. I know he'd freak out if anyone else tried to say something like that to me."

"It's true." Matt shrugged. “Even before I suggested we invite you over. He was complaining for days about the way your former “friends” talked about you when you weren’t around. He was in a class with both of them. By far the best part was when he said Sara was a... what was it?”

“I think it was ‘an eight-cunted wenchtopus’.” Chris offered.

“Something like that.” Matt replied without the slightest smirk.

“How can you say that with a straight face?” I said, thoroughly amazed.

“It helps that we’ve known him for years.” Matt said casually. “But anyway, you should come to the party. There won’t be any video games, but it will be a good time.”

“I’ll think about it.” I mumbled, fully intending not to think about it at all. “Hey, will Kelsey be there?” Chris smacked himself in the face with his apple.

“Oh, uh... I don’t know. We haven’t talked lately.”

“Chris is ignoring her,” Matt translated.

“Awww. A woman’s not enough for you, now that you’ve shared a bed with me?” I batted my nonexistent eyelashes at him.

“Actually, it kind of is your fault,” he said after a minute. “I told her what happened and then she kept asking of we could have a threesome.”

“Oh," I said. "That would be weird.”

“I’d cry.” He agreed. “But she wouldn’t let it go. It started getting really awkward.”

“Would you do it?” I wondered. “With someone who wasn’t me?”

“I don’t think so.” Chris answered, shaking his head. “I think it would be weird no matter what.”

“Even with two girls?” Matt offered. Chris just shook his head. “Well, I would.”

“I know I would.” I said, and they both gave me weird looks. “With... two guys.” I corrected.

“Oh, so you weren’t kidding? When Adam asked you which one of us you’d want to have sex with?” Matt inquired.

“No,” I said. “That wasn’t a completely honest answer. Not to the question he asked me, anyway. But it wasn’t a lie, either. I wouldn’t turn it down.”

“You don’t think it would be weird?” Chris asked.

“Nah. You’re all great, good-looking guys. I’d rather do it with you than with strangers.” Chris and Matt exchanged looks and I sunk in my chair a little bit.

“Sorry...” I added quickly. “I didn’t mean to weird you out.”

“It’s cool.” Matt assured me. “I’m way too conceited to turn down any sort of compliment, even if it comes from a big ol’ homo.” I flicked a blueberry at his head.

“I find it a little weird, but not for the reason you think. You always seem so... reserved when it comes to sexual stuff.”

“Oh god.” I said, shaking my head. “If you knew half of the stuff that goes through my mind...”

“Reeeeally?” Chris said, leaning toward me and propping his chin up on his hand. “Do tell!”

“I’m not telling you." I glared at him. "You big freak."

“Why?” he said. "Are they are about me?" I didn't say anything and his eyes widened. "You do think about me!"

"And I don't suppose it's put you off at all."

“Nope! You just made me more curious.”

“You are the gayest straight person. Seriously.” I told him. He winked back.

“Well, too bad. I’m not answering your horrible question.”

“Dyloooon!” Chris said, pouting.

"Yeah, come on. Don't be afraid of the details, either." Matt added. I shook my head.

“I’m never talking to you guys again. Ever.”

“Aw, come on Dylon.” Matt said sympathetically. “I’m sure we’d have thoughts like that once and a while about our female friends. If we had any.”

“Yeah, come on. We were the ones asking. We watch porn as a group activity. We’ve all seen gay porn. It’s not a subject we’re shy about.” Chris added.

“Because you’re all really weird.” I added. Then I sighed. “I wish I could get used to it. I wish I didn’t find it so uncomfortable.”

“Don’t you worry about that. We’ll beat it out of you.” Chris offered.

“Kinky.” I answered.

"If you honestly don't want to talk about it, we're cool with that. If you want us to stop bugging you, tell us. We just want you to know that you don't have to feel embarrassed around us. But if you're just the kind of person who isn't interested in talking about the subject then that's just how you are."

I considered it for the moment. I hadn't really thought about the concept of not talking about it for any reason other than being ashamed of it.

"I think I'm okay if you keep bugging me." I said. "I mean, I do want to talk about it sometimes. Just not a lot. But, if I get the inclination it would be nice to be able to say 'Hey, I find that guy really sexy' or 'Hey Chris, I want you in my mouth.'"

I was hoping to catch him off guard and when he choked on his water I knew I had succeeded. Matt folded his arms and scrunched up his face.

"How come Dylon doesn't want me in his mouth."

It wasn’t very long after that before the bell went off, signaling that it was time for everyone to go back to class. We packed up our stuff and went to our respective classes, but I wasn’t able to focus for the entire rest of the day. All of the sex talk at lunch made me miss Adam and his sexy face. And wonder what else might be sexy about him. I still hadn’t checked out his ass. I really had to do that.

After my next class I texted Adam and asked him to come over to school, and at about four o'clock I heard a knock at my door and practically ran to open it. When I opened it he was standing really still and he let out a deep breath when he saw me.

"Hey." he said.

"Hey, Adam. Listen. I'm not ticked off at you. Come to my room for a sec?" I could tell he wanted to make all sorts of jokes but was worried about the results, but he followed me regardless. When we got in I closed the door and took a deep breath. He didn't give me much chance to say anything though.

"Dylon, I am really sorry. I was just playing around, I didn't think about it. You know I don't think any less of you..." Not really knowing what to do I put my hands on his shoulders.

"I know you're not like that, Adam. Honestly I do. I get that it was a joke." I dropped my hands and started to pace around a bit.

"Look, I was just zoned out and my mind was on other things and it caught me off guard. I always had to keep up the pretense around my old friends, I never let myself relax. When you first invited me over I thought it was all a big joke, but you guys are all great."

"When I heard you say that, I just heard it coming from Tyler's mouth and it was like the thing I had been so terrified of for years was coming true right then and there. For the briefest, tiniest moment I felt like I had been wrong to let my guard down. But I don't believe that, I really don't."

"I know it came from you, not from him. I know it came out as a joke. Not one at my expense, not a mean-spirited one at all. Just one friend to another. But in the moment where I had felt injured I had started crying and I was so ashamed and mad at myself and I didn't want you to see... that I had doubted you." I finished quietly.

"And then instead of staying and explaining I ignored you like an idiot and made you feel terrible. And I'm really sorry."

To my great surprise he walked over and hugged me. I blushed so severely I thought my head was going to burst into flames and just kind of awkwardly patted his back. And he didn't let go.

"Thank-you," he said. He pulled back and smiled at me. "Thank-you, Dylon."

He told me he had to get going because he was expected home for dinner. We said goodbye and then I watched from the door as he practically ran down the street. He looked so much like a little kid that I couldn't help but smile.


It was almost eleven o’clock by the time I got to the party on Friday. I had been ignoring Matt and Chris’s texts for at least twenty minutes, but they hadn’t been deterred. I could barely understand what they were trying to write anymore, so I decided I should just go see them face-to-face before communications broke down completely.

And yes, I wanted my chance to check out Adams’ possibly-sexy behind. What even made someone’s butt attractive? I had no idea. I wasn’t sure if I would know once I saw it how it fared on the scale of deliciousness. But I just figured, that’s what you’re supposed to do right?

I texted Matt to let him know that I was at the house, and he came out to lead me in. I figured it would be better than just walking in to a stranger’s house, and it seemed kind of wrong to knock on the door at a party. I had never actually been to one before this.

Matt guided me over to where Chris and Adam were standing with a group of a few other people, everyone had drinks in their hands, and already I felt a bit awkward.

“Go say hi to the chums, I’ll get you something to put in your hands.” Matt said before disappearing into a different room.

When Chris saw me he threw up his hands and pushed over to me. He threw an arm around my shoulders and gave me a very exaggerated kiss on the cheek.

“Hey!” He exclaimed as we made our way back to the group. “It’s my favourite person!”

“Dylon!” Adam said as Chris pushed me into the small circle, throwing an arm around my shoulders from the other side. “I’m really glad you made it!”

I wasn’t sure what to do with the homoerotic attention of my drunk friends, so I just smiled and said hi to the people I didn’t know. Between Chris and Adam they were able to introduce me to everyone, but most of the names were forgotten as soon as the next one was said. There were three girls and another guy, and I was so nervous that I barely even saw them standing there. My brain was too full of all the ways they were probably judging me in their minds.

Chris released me and wandered off into the crowd, but Adam kept his arm on my shoulders as the other people carried on conversation and he sipped beer from a big plastic cup. Eventually I got so embarrassed that I leaned over and asked him to take his arm away. His smile faultered a bit but then he took it away and carried on with his jovial partying.

Once the conversation had simmered down and the people had wandered off he put his arm around me again.

"Come on," he said. "There's some other people you should talk to."

"Adam..." I said. He looked at me and then after a moment he rolled his eyes and took his arm away again.

"Dylon, these people have all seen drunk guys before. They won't even notice. We could probably strip down and fuck right here and no one would look twice."

I was about to tell him how completely certain I was that this wasn't true, but just then Matt came back and handed me a drink. He gave Adam another one as well, and he stacked the full cup into the now-empty one he had been holding when I arrived. Together the two of them accompanied me to the next group of people.

I managed to talk a little bit this time around, just basic stuff; what classes are you taking, yes it’s true I’m gay, no I’m not seeing anyone, no I haven’t had sex with anyone at our school. When I answered this last one I saw some eyes dart toward Adam, then they looked back at me and smiled. I felt a little bit queasy.

Eventually the group dispersed and it was just me and Adam. I wasn’t sure where Matt had disappeared to, and Chris was pressed into a corner with some girl’s tongue down his throat. Adam started leading me into another room, which I guessed would be the kitchen and also were the drinks were kept. As we walked through the hallway he put his hand on my back to keep me from getting jostled by the traffic, but I stepped to the side and he took his hand back sighed.

“Sorry,” he said, looking confused and a bit injured.

“Adam, come on. You know how I feel about being around this many people. I just...”

“If you're going to say you don't want them to think you're gay, it's a little late for that.” He scoffed.

Ouch. I stopped dead.

"Well that's not really my fault, now is it." He turned around and shook his head.

"Fuck. I'm really sorry, that was such a shitty thing to say."

"Being gay is my problem, I don't wand people giving you shit for touching the queer kid." I said.

"Being gay isn't a problem. People being assholes is a problem. I don't give a shit what anyone else thinks about me, or whether they think I'm taking my friend's dick up my ass. If they're uncomfortable because they're making assumptions, that's not my issue."

"And it's great that you feel that way. Honestly, I'm really grateful to you and Matt and Chris for always treating me like I'm normal...."

"You are normal," he cut in.

"But it's because you guys are so great that I don't want to be responsible for people getting the wrong impression and giving you shit."

Suddenly he smiled at me and I got confused. He laughed a little bit.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just come with me for a minute, I need to talk to you." Mystified, I let him lead me to a set of stairs. He put his drink down on a table at the bottom and then we climbed up. I was starting to get very suspicious.

When we got upstairs we managed to find a bedroom, which I was honestly quite surprised to find empty. He took a look around and then closed the door and locked it.

“Okay.” I said. “What’s going-”

And then he started kissing me. He was rather enthusiastic about it too, I was practically pinned to the back of the door. It was a good fifteen seconds before I even registered the shock of it. I pushed lightly on his chest and he broke away and looked into my eyes and I almost melted.

“I like you.” He said, holding his lips so close to mine as he spoke that I could taste the alcohol on his breath. “Dylon, I really like you.”

I stuttered. I opened my mouth and closed it again and I couldn’t make any words appear.

“I've liked you for a while, I guess. Maybe since the first time we hung out."

"Why?" I blurted. He put his hand on the side of my face and smiled at me.

"My parents are push-overs," he said. "My teachers are push-overs. The girls that try to throw themselves at me at school are push-overs. I'm just a trouble maker to them, and that's all I'll ever be. I like that you expect better of me."

"It's not just me," I said raising my eyebrows at him and smiling. "I saw that goofy grin you had on your face when my mom was putting you through the wringer." He brushed his lips against mine and my knees almost gave out.

"Goofy was it?" he said, putting one hand around my waist. He was tormenting me on purpose.

"Adam, take it easy." he looked at me with a bit more of a serious expression and he took his hand off my waist.

"Sorry," he said. "You're right. I don't even know if you feel the same and I'm all over you."

I thought about it for a minute. I didn't really know whether I felt the same either.

"I'm attracted to you," I said. "And I think highly of you as a friend. But that's all I can tell you right now. I don't want to tell you anything I won't be able to back up later."

“I want to be with you. I'm not saying we have to get married, I just want you to try.” He took both my hands and locked his fingers together with mine. "No promises."

"I don't want to make a split-second decision. I've never had a friend like you, I don't want anything to happen to that."

"I won't be perfect. I'm going to fuck up sometimes, but I want to try. Even if you say no, I'll be okay with that. I'm lucky to have you in my life, whether it's as a boyfriend or a friend."

"You're so shy, but when people deserve it you give them hell. You make me think of someone other than myself, which is pretty impressive. You're strong but when you care about people it shows." He smiled at me and swung our held hands up and down. "Even when you're cussing someone out you're so fucking sweet about it."

"It's not on purpose," I answered and he laughed. I didn't really know how to handle that speech of his. I was completely floored.

"Thank-you, Adam. You are so sweet, I don't know what to say."

"'Take me now'," he offered. I glared at him but I couldn't help but smile at the same time. "Admit it, I get you hot."

I still wasn't sure. I've never been good at making immediate decisions and it seemed to out of the blue.

“We should talk about this tomorrow when you're sober.”

“I’m not drunk.” He replied, and I gave him a skeptical look.

“Okaaay, I’m drunk. But I’m conscious and that means we can talk about it. Will you be my boyfriend, Dylon?”

“I don’t know.” I said honestly.

“Why don’t you know?”

I was so distressed I actually uttered a small cry.

“What if it doesn’t work and we screw it up?”

“We’ll have to go back to boring old friends.”

“What if we screw it up really bad and can’t go back to being friends?” I insisted.

“Chris and Matt would never let us live it down. They’d have us stitched together until we learned to get along again.”

“What if it goes wrong and they pick sides?” I said desperately.

“They’d pick your side, so you don’t have to worry.” He smiled at me and I rolled my eyes.

“I couldn't bare for you to be left alone, no matter what. I’d still be your friend, even if I was a bitch and made you miserable. I’d still care.”

“There you go. We have nothing to worry about”

“Okay. Contradicting myself. But what if-“

“Dylon. If you don’t want to date me, say no. You don’t have to analyze every aspect. But please stop torturing me." He gave both of my hands a squeeze and I gave him what I hoped was an apologetic expression.

"I have a chance to experience something so incredible, and I never thought it would ever happen to an asshole like me," he continued. "Even if it’s the smallest chance, I have the chance to be loved by you. I don’t know if I can be what you need or even want, and I’m pretty sure you deserve better. But I want to love you. I want to love you so fucking much.”

I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say, and Adam’s eyes were watering. I wanted to wipe his tears away all romantically like they do in movies, but I thought I’d probably end up stabbing him in the eye.

“Okay.” I said, somewhat unconsciously. His expression turned around so quickly I thought his smile would just keep going and fly right off his face.

“Okay?” he asked, cautious but very excited.

“Adam Cross, I want to be your boyfriend.”

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close and gave me the most amazing hug I had ever received in my life. I felt something tugging at my waist and realized he was trying to undo my pants. I pushed him back again and smiled at him.

“Adam, I am not having sex with you right now.” He grinned devilishly back at me.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” And then he kissed me softly on the lips. "I was just testing you."

"Uh-huh," I said.

“I want to do this right.” He promised me.

“So do I. And I know I'll screw up, but I'll do the best I can. I've never... really been in love before.”

"I want you to know I don't want to hide it," he said seriously. "I want to be able to hold your hand at school and kiss you. I know it will cause shit but I refuse to act like I'm ashamed of you."

The thought of kissing a boy at school terrified me, when I couldn't even stand to be around people when I was on my own. But looking at him now, so happy and hopeful, it made me think that we could handle it.

"Yeah," I said. "Alright. We're not going to hide it."

We embraced once more and I smiled, burying myself in his shoulder. Then something occurred to me and I flung my head up and grabbed his shoulders.

“Turn around.” I said urgently. He looked at me with a very perplexed expression.

“What, is there someone else in here?”

“Just turn around!” I demanded. He did, and I took a long moment to stare at his ass.

“What are you doing?” he said suspiciously.

“Something I've been meaning to do for weeks."

He turned back around and grinned at me, and gave my arm a little pinch.

"I knew it," he said. "I've already checked you out a dozen times." I scowled at him.

"No fair." He shrugged and kissed me again.

"Alright. I think we'd better be getting downstairs, my mom said she'd give us rides home and she should be here soon."

We went back downstairs and Chris and Matt found us just outside the kitchen. They looked from me to Adam, to our held hands, and saw that we were holding hands. They looked at each other and shrugged.

"Congratulations!" They yelled and threw their empty beer cups in the air before running over and grabbing us up in a big group hug.

"My friends are weird," I thought to myself. But for the first time in my life, I wasn't scared of them disappearing. No more hiding or second-guessing motives. No more uncertain terms.