Uncertain Terms, Pt.2

It turned out to become a semi-regular thing. We had exchanged cell phone numbers, so once a week someone would text me and ask me to come over on such-and-such a day. As I got more comfortable around the group I started talking more and asking more questions about the other guys’ lives outside of Matt’s bedroom. The one day they asked me what had happened with my old group of “friends”. All they knew were the vague details obviously.

“Well, I came out to Sarah and Tyler first. Because they were the ones I spent the most time with, I guess.”

“And they freaked out?” Chris asked. I shrugged.

“Not right away. Sarah was just kind of quiet and tried to pretend she was fine with it. Tyler asked me if I was going to try to fuck him.”

“Did you want to?” came from Adam, of course.

“Hell no. We went skinny dipping a few summers ago for his birthday. His dick is shaped like a candy cane.”

“So they just waited until the shock wore off to freak out?” Chris pressed on.

“Nope. I just came to school one day, and everyone knew, and no one would talk to me.”

“Wow. Backstabbing little shits.” Adam said, shaking his head.

“It’s no big deal, like I said they were bad friends from the start. I can kind of see why they spazzed out though.”

“I can’t.” Matt replied.

“Well, you guys all know about me. But you knew before you even met me. What if you’d grown up with me, and you knew that I had seen you naked before? What if you were suddenly wondering one day if your best friend had ever thought of you as more than a friend?”

“I’d talk to him.” Chris said firmly. “Not flip shit and tell the whole school.”

“Maybe. But some people couldn’t handle it if it was true, so they’d rather pretend they already believe it and not have to think about it long enough to get the facts. They just pass their verdict and move on and keep it out of their head at all costs.”

“You’ve thought about it a lot for something that doesn’t bug you.” Adam pointed out. “And it’s still a massive pile of horse shit. You don’t do that to someone, you just don’t. Say you don’t want to be friends if you don’t wanna be friends. You’re still an asshole, but own up to being an asshole.”

"Like you do, Adam?" I said sweetly.

"Why, yes." he answered. "In fact, everyone should be more like me."

We all stopped for a moment to contemplate the horror of a world filled with Adams. I soon got distracted however, appreciating the way these guys were sticking up for me.

“Well anyway, thank you guys. Who knew Adam was such a nice guy.” I said wonderingly.

“And why shouldn’t I be?” he wondered, raising his eyebrows and smirking at me.

“Well, I’m not calling you heartless prick or anything. But you’ve been in a couple of my classes before, and the reason you stood out wasn’t exactly for your good will toward others. You’ve always seemed to be quite aloof and careless. From what I’ve heard.”

“That’s just my alter ego.” Adam mused. “I’m actually really deep.” Chris snorted.

“Oh yes. We say all the time he’s our favourite foul-mouthed philosopher, right Matt?”

“For sure. A dozen times a day.” Matt said back. The two of them laughed, but I looked over at Adam and for a second we made eye contact. Maybe it wasn’t such a funny thought, after all. Surely there was more to the class clown than what was on the surface, just like everyone else. I made a mental note to pay more attention.

Then Adam smirked at me and flicked his tongue in a suggestive way and I flipped him off. I made another mental note not to have such a focused gaze while I was paying more attention.


Paying attention didn’t go so well over the following week. We’d last hung out on Thursday, and my mother and I went out of town for the weekend to visit her mom and dad. It wasn’t until Tuesday night when I was wondering why I hadn’t gotten a text from one of the guys yet that I realized I had left my phone with my grandparents. Then I tried to call one of them and realized I didn’t know any of their cell numbers by heart.

My mother suggested I look in the phone book, but I didn’t know anyone’s last name except Adam’s – none of the numbers I called had an Adam who lived at their house. Her next suggestion was that I call my grandmother and try to get her to find one of the numbers in my phone for me. I told her I didn’t want to put the poor woman through the trials of navigating my newfangled technological device, but really I just didn’t want to have to tell her that my password to unlock the keypad was “cockandballs”.

Every day when I left for school I told myself that I would march into the cafeteria at lunch time pretending there wasn’t seven hundred people staring at me, sit down with them and casually explain what had happened. Then every day when I was excused from my second class, I practically ran to the art room with my tail between my legs, where I spent the next 45 minutes mentally insulting myself and taking my frustrations out on my defenseless lunch items.

I had never been comfortable eating in such a large group of people, even before I had come out. It always seemed like much more exposure than was necessary. The art room was quiet, and safe. People just let me sit and doodle, or write, or take 45 minutes to eat a single sandwich while listening to music on my mp3 player. At least some of the days recently I had been able to send a couple texts back in forth with one or two of my new friends. Now I wasn’t quite sure what to do without my phone, even though I’d gone all that time beforehand not using it at all.

It wasn’t until the following Wednesday that I made contact with the group again, and it wasn’t because I had finally grown a pair and gone to see them at lunch. I was in the upstairs bathroom during my after-lunch class, and Adam just happened to stroll in. To my horror, he walked right over to me while I was taking a piss and put his elbow up on my shoulder, staring right into my face. He seemed a bit awkward but I was guessing it had nothing to do with the fact that he was staring at me while I had my dick in my hand.

“Are you ignoring me?” he asked.

“No.” I answered. “And if you don’t back the hell up, I am going to punch you in the face.”

“Are you ignoring Matt and Chris?” he said, unfazed.

“No I am not ignoring any of you, and if you do not give me some space I will punch you, and I will not wipe my hands off first.”

“Sexy.” He replied, but he went and sat on the counter between the two sinks.

“So what’s up, then?” he continued.

I finished emptying my bladder and tried to tuck myself away out of his line of sight. I came over to the sink, and while I was washing my hands I explained to him about my lost phone and the phone book and my password.

“Oh yeah, the number's under my mom's last name. But are you serious? You made your password ‘cockandballs’?”

“Oh, bite me.” I replied.

“Tell me where.” He said back. I turned and flicked water into his face.

“You never say stuff like that to Matt and Chris.” I pointed out. He rolled his eyes.

“Duh, they’re not gay. That particular method of banter gets old pretty quick. But I can tell it gets to you, so with you it’s fun.”

This made me want to punch him again but then I realized I was smiling. He had the most peculiarly endearing way of being an asshole. Suddenly his face dropped and a little flag went up in the back of my mind. ‘Pay attention’ something said.

“Do you think I’m homophobic?”

I blinked at him.

“Um, hi. Two minutes ago you were standing and watching me pee. I’m pretty sure you’re more comfortable with my sexuality than I am.”

“And I’m not leading you on, right?” he added. I turned the taps off and didn’t move for a second. I had been pretty sure he was straight all along of course. Admittedly I had been letting myself daydream a bit, because you never really know, right? There's more to sexuality than stereotypes. But I guess now I did know. If not about his sexuality, then at the very least he wasn’t interested in me specifically. I shrugged and went over to grab a couple sheets of paper towel.

“Nah, it’s all in good fun. No worries.”

I thought I heard him sigh in relief and then it occurred to me to ask a question of my own.

“So um, did you have business to take care of, or did you just follow me in here to watch me pee?” He shrugged and jumped off the counter.

“I was just gonna jack off in one of the stalls, but it can wait till I get home.”

I shook my head. I still found it so bizarre the way him and his friends talked so openly about that kind of thing. I got embarrassed just hearing it; if I said anything like that to someone I probably wouldn’t ever be able to look them in the face again.

“Well, sorry to interrupt.” Was the only reply I could think of.

“It’s okay, I can never get off in the bathrooms anyway. Smells funny.”

He walked over to the door and opened it, motioning for me to go first. On my way past he flicked me on the side of the head.

“And get your ass over to Matt’s on Friday, would you? Bring your booze gut, if you smell like puke you sleep outside.”


It turned out I wasn’t given much choice in the matter, as Adam showed up at my door again on Friday night. I made a quick check before I opened the door to make sure I wasn’t wearing the exact same clothes I had been the last time he saw me. I didn’t own very many clothes, but as far as I could remember I had managed to pick out a different outfit, so I went and opened up the door.

“You almost ready?” he asked.

“Almost.” I said simply.

“Cool. Get your shit, let’s go.” I turned around to go to my bedroom and noticed that he kicked off his shoes and followed me down the hallway.

“Is your mummy cool with you spending the night?” Something in his tone gave me the impression that he wasn’t making fun of me, but wanted to seem like he was.

“Yeah.” I said with masterful indifference, opening the door to my room and wandering around stuffing a few things into my school bag. “I just gotta leave her a note before I take off, she’s working late tonight.”

When I turned around he was standing in my open doorway, leaning against the frame and inspecting the horrible mess that I lived in. Articles of clothing were flung all over my floor and on top of my tv and everywhere else. A couple t-shirts had been used to clean up my “personal” messes, and I severely hoped he wouldn’t be able to pick out such fine details from the doorway. I started looking around myself. I started to notice for the first time that it was pretty plain, even considering the disorder. I didn’t have anything on the walls, and besides the tv and bed there wasn’t much in there.
I was starting to get really self-conscious about my bedroom so I just grabbed my deodorant and a couple other basic things and shoved them into my school bag as quick as I could.

“Huh.” Adam said when he saw I was done, then turned and started walking back to the door.

“What,” I said, following him out. “You expected posters of naked guys everywhere?”

“Maybe just one or two.” He said seriously.

“I’m sure sex is nice and all, but I’m not obsessed with guys. They’re just kind of there. And some of them are hot.”

“You’re ‘sure’? You mean you’ve never done it?” he answered.

“Uh, no. Who the hell would I even do it with?”

This was a rhetorical question, but he answered it anyway.

“I can name at least ten guys at our school who would let you suck their cock. Give me till Monday, I can get you their numbers.”

“I’m good, thanks.” I said, telling myself after that maybe I could at least ask him for the names when he was drunk, and with any luck he wouldn’t remember.

“What does your mom do?” was his next question.

“Oh god, you’re not going to ask me to hook you up with her are you?” I asked, thinking that would be a hilarious reason for him to have started hanging out with me.

“Don’t be weird. I never understand why guys got off on that stuff. I just wanna know what the suit’s for.”

“Oh. She’s just a secretary, but she has to look really proper about it. She doesn’t make as much money as it looks like, and it’s just her and me here.” I said, trying not to sound too pathetic about it. I really didn’t mind.

“Where’s your dad?”

“Jail.”

“Shit, man. You can have mine.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant by that so I didn’t laugh, and didn’t say anything in reply. I wasn’t really in the mood to be prying his life story out of him, though he seemed to have morphed into a fountain of curiosity.

“Do you drink beer?” was the next question. At least this one had some relevance. Too bad it was the only question I didn’t know how to answer. My old group had never invited me to parties.

“Whatever.” He said after a silent moment. “You do tonight.”

I stopped walking abruptly and he turned to look at me, eyes set and prepared to roll. I probably shouldn’t make a fuss over his attempts to include me, but I still had the small suspicion that at any moment it could all be revealed to be some prank. I felt like if I could return to a life of rejection on my own terms, somehow that made me the winner.

“I’ll drink if I feel like it.” I told him bluntly.

“Fine.” He said. “You do tonight, if you want to.”

At that point he nearly sent me into a panic attack by walking back toward me and putting his arm over my shoulder, slowly steering me toward Matt's house.

“Hustle, dear Dylon. When they get bored they have a habit of using the TV’s to watch two pornos at once. If they break your poor little mind I don’t stand a chance at those stupid games they make me play.”

“Wait, what? You guys actually watch porn together?” I asked, feeling kind of uncomfortable under his arm. I briefly considered why this was and accused myself of thinking it might suddenly transform into a giant tentacle that he was going to violate me with. I had to try really hard not to laugh out loud, I really didn’t feel like explaining that thought.

Were other guys really that obsessed with sex? I mean sure, I had heard some of the girls I hung out with complain about guys a lot, but I didn’t think it was actually true.

“Awh, come on. Don’t be such a kid. It’s just another movie genre isn’t it? We watch superhero movies too.”

“It’s freaking weird.” I said, trying to blink my surprise away.

“Get over it,” he groaned. He took his arm off my shoulders and started walking backwards so we were face-to-face. “It’s not a big deal. Sometimes you like to see explosions and gunfire. Sometimes you wanna see a naked chick with a dick in her.”

I opened my mouth to reply but he laughed and corrected himself.

“Well okay, not you, but you know what I mean. Besides, we don’t jack off every time a pair of tits pops onto the screen. We’re not sex crazed zombies, but we’re certainly not ashamed to like what we like. If you're not into it that’s cool, we don’t have to do it with you around. But we do it with each other, and it’s not ‘freaking weird’.”

“Okidoke.” Was the best answer I could come up with. I hadn’t expected such a defensive answer. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the way these guys dealt with a subject that made me so nervous. I had always believed that it should be a private matter. And it didn’t hurt to treat it with a bit of dignity, either. But I kept those particular opinions to myself.

Suddenly he slowed down, but I didn't think much of it until I was walking past him and he gave my ass a ferocious smack. It was only at the last second I was able to choke down my shout of surprise.

"Giddyup, we'll be late."

"I hate you so much." I thought to myself, turning a hundred shades of pink and red. "I hope you fall asleep before me so I can kill you."